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I`m trying to live healthier......but I`m considering taking up cigars, since they`re still the coolest way to light dynamite fuses.
Sometimes I`m completely inconsiderate to other peoples feelings. And other times I`m asleep.
"Rear facing, pedal activated photon cannon" sounds much more badass than "brake lights"
If a girl can kick your a$$ at video games, she’s a keeper.
I thought my name was "Stop encouraging him" until I was 11.
How do I disable the autocorrect function on my wife?
I hate when people call me and ask "WHO IS THIS?"
I found out last night that the only thing worse than waking up 3 times to pee is sleeping right through it.
My mother said, “You won’t amount to anything because you procrastinate.” I said, “Oh ya…..Just you wait.....”
My hand has never pumped so hard for a little squirt. Stupid empty soap bottle.
Congratulations India on successfully orbiting a probe around Mars. I assume you`ll be opening call centers on the red planet and using fake Martian names now?
Like if you really googled to see if that kid really died from masturbating
I’m not saying I need to manscape, but when I get an erection it looks like Pinocchio has joined the Taliban.
Years of education, solving tough problems, handling complex issues, yet we take a while standing before glass doors thinking whether to Push or Pull.
I just need someone to feed me and tell me I’m pretty.