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The guy that thought of wrapping other food items in bacon deserves an award.
I once tried sniffing coke, but the ice cubes kept getting stuck up my nose.
Nothing says “I don’t take you seriously” like your dog wagging his tail when you are yelling at him.
If I had any self control I`d probably eat that too.
Somehow, going into The Dollar Store and asking for a price check just never gets old.
Guy tip of the day: To avoid arguments about the toilet seat, use the sink...
I thought she asked if I was interested in an orgy. Turns out she really said "4G." My apologies to the lady at the Verizon kiosk.
If you don’t count any of my failures, I’m quite successful.
Getting old sucks. I use to wake up feeling like a million bucks. Now I feel more like a bounced check.
facebook is the only book we read everyday.
So I met an Egyptian ... they walk just like us.
It`s really cold out there folks. If you`re heading to Wal-Mart, please wear two pairs of pajamas.
“I’m sorry” and “my bad” mean the same thing… Unless you’re at a funeral.
Not to brag, but I still owe Blockbuster $2.00 for not rewinding Weekend at Bernies.
I think Labor Day is to remind people that after a full day with the family, going to work actually isn`t so bad after all.