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In the beginning, God created the earth and rested. Then God created man and rested. Then God created woman. Since then, neither God or man has rested.
You never know whats going on in your life until you’re f*cked up.
I’m single by choice. Not my choice, but still a choice!
It`s so cute how all the free sandwiches in the fridge at work have little names.
You know how people dread going to the dentist? I feel that way about getting out of bed.
So you constantly feel sorry for yourself and feel the need to tell everyone all about it. I can’t imagine why he left you.
I am not looking for a one night stand, 2 hours will be plenty enough.
I ate a shepherd`s pie for lunch. He was pretty upset about it.
"I like your tree`s earring." ... "That`s a tire swing."
Called AA by mistake. Those drunks can`t change a tire for sh*t.
Drink till she´s cute, but stop before the wedding
They say when you meet the right one you will know right away. But why does it take 3 years to know it’s the wrong one?
I`m surprised kids haven`t found a way to trick or treat online yet
iTunes got it all wrong, the hottest single of the year is me.
have you ever looked at someone and thought, "yeah you definitely have someone locked away in your basement."