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I know I have a long way to go but look at how far I`ve come.
Just slung my bra off & threw it to the other side of the couch where there are already 2 other bras. If my math is right, it`s Wednesday.
Someone stole all my credit cards, but I won’t be reporting it. The thief spends less than my wife did.
Shout out to all the kids who could never find their name on souvenir keychains and license plates. That sh!t hurt.
Why do I get the feeling that a lot of you are using Facebook as a substitution for prescription meds?
That annoying feeling when you finally downloaded the movie you wanted to watch and BOOM!... It`s in French. #F**kYouFrance
My wife and I use the pull-out method of birth control where we pull out our phones and ignore each other every night.
I’m late for a disappointment.
Absence makes the heart grow fonder, but my boss just gets mad when I don`t come into work.
According to my nipples, there is a 99% chance it`s cold as hell right now!
It`s nice to feel wanted. Even if it`s by the FBI.
Politeness has become so rare, that some people mistake it for flirting.
If you catch me doing a selfie at work, at least offer to take the pic for me.
It`s always the rednecks that know all the inner most conspiracies of the government.
Do you like the strong, silent type? Then you`ll love my farts.