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When the zombie apocalypse hits, I know EXACTLY who I`m tripping first...
No one is more confident than a drunk girl wearing a guy’s hat sideways.
These last 7 hours at work are always the longest.
9 out of 10 husbands agree that their wives are always right. The 10th one hasn`t been seen since the study was conducted.
My fake plant died because I didn`t pretend to water it
What Meatloaf wouldn`t do for love I would probably do for a six pack.
If its true we`re here to help others, then what exaclty are the others here for?
Most days the best thing about my job is that my chair spins
As a nation, we may be spending our children`s money, but at my house, it`s the other way around.
I`m not a bitch, I just have a low bullsh!t tolerance.
Scent is the sense most tied to memory. "Common" is the sense least tied to people.
B!tch Please, your only fan is the one on your ceiling.
Everyone hates performance enhancing drugs. Yet, everyone loves Captain America.
I just got pulled over by the US Border Patrol. The agent comes up to my window and says, "Papers?" I said, "Scizzors!! I win!!!." And drove off. Apparently the US Border Patrol didn`t think Paper beat Scizzors. Sore Losers!!
If at first you don’t succeed, look in the trash for the instructions