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ASKHOLE: A person who constantly ask for your advice, yet always does the opposite of what you told them
I don`t smoke,i don`t drink,don`t do drugs. I only have one small problem, i lie.
How to make a Vodka Christmas cake. . (Made mine this morning!!!!) 1 cup sugar, 1 tsp. baking powder, 1 cup water, 1 tsp. salt , 1 cup brown sugar, Lemon juice, 4 large eggs, Nuts, 1......bottle Vodka, 2 cups dried fruit. Sample a cup of Vodka to check quality. Take a large bowl, check the Vodka again to be... sure it is of the highest quality then Repeat. Turn on the electric mixer. Beat one cup of butter in a large fluffy bowl. Add 1 teaspoon of sugar. Beat again. At this point, it is best to
Worrying is a waste of time. It doesn’t change anything. It messes with your mind & steals your happiness.
I bet everyone in Gotham prisons really hates the guy that killed Bruce Wayne`s parents.
My daughter is worse than a twitter newbie.. She manually Retweets everything I say... To my wife!
The secret of a happy marriage remains a secret.
I don`t understand why people want a relationship when there`s pizza.
Every-time I walk over a sewer grate I look down into it hoping to catch a glimpse of a Ninja Turtle
If my life was a GPS it would constantly be recalculating
I believe in equality. If we have a 5 day week of work, we should have 5 day weekends as well dammit.
I wish I had money so I could be eccentric instead of just weird.
I was trying to have a mature arguement but "look, you ignorant f*cktard" just popped out
Things that don`t kill bees: 1. Furniture polish 2. Febreeze 3. Butter 4. Screaming
Tonight I’m trying to get to that happy place right between don’t know my own name and head in the toilet.