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I have thought a lot about it and I am thrilled to announce that I have decided to never die.
Life is too short to be angry and hold grudges. Just slap them in the face and move on!
Insert coin to view my status message.
You know you are old when people keep telling you how young you look.
“Was that lightning?” “No no…. they’re taking pictures for Google Earth..”
Why would you be scared to get Ebola? You haven`t left your couch since 2011.
“Too much milk left need more cereal” always leads to “too much cereal need more milk”
My wife told me that her favorite position is when I lay very very still wearing a toe tag and she starts dating again
FYI: You can`t beat rock-paper-scissors with yourself in the mirror.
Dear Fruity Pebbles: Calorie content w/out milk is unnecessary. Anyone shoving dry Fruity Pebbles down their throat isn’t counting calories.
Being with you is like listening to golf on the radio.
Thinking about staying in tonight? Nobody looks back in life and remembers the nights they got plenty of sleep.
The secret to a successful lemonade stand is vodka.
If I keep hitting the treadmill like I do every night, in a few weeks maybe I`ll learn to turn on the light when I get up to pee in the dark
This morning I surveyed 100 women and asked them what shampoo they used when showering. 98 of them said, "How did you get in here?"