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my ex girlfriends started they`re own website they call it two faced book...
I have a fold up treadmill under my fold up bed, so by the time I get the treadmill set up, I`m like "That`s enough exercise for today"
We can`t cure cancer, diabetes or PMS, but we have 10 different pills to make a mans happy place bigger.
whenever i`m bored I just expect at any moment for the Koolaid man to break through my wall and take me on a deliciously refreshing adventure!
Psycho and socio have always been my favorite paths.
I sleep better naked.. why can´t the flight attendants understand this?
Not sure if I need sex, sleep, or to punch someone in the face.
The most powerful I ever feel is waving pedestrians to walk in front of my car. “Go forth, and trust that I will not kill you.”
I`m so deep in the friendzone that I`ve met her boyfriends parents
You never truly appreciate Newton’s laws of motion until you’ve sneezed while going to the bathroom.
Guns don`t kill people. Fathers with beautiful daughters do. Happy Fathers Day!
"Because it would be hilarious,"... is probably not a good reason to elect someone to be president.
I`m pretty sober, but I`m prettier drunk.
If you think husbands aren`t good listeners, whisper "Come here, I`m naked" from anywhere in the house and see what happens.
Yo fellas, how did that “wow” comment you left on that girls Facebook picture play out?