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Sorry I stopped listening to your story when it wasn’t about me
There is nothing more annoying than a couple who just got back from vacation.
I can tell you nice things but they`ll all be about me.
"Open Mike Night" sounded like a lot of fun until I realised I`d been invited to an autopsy.
When suffering from insomnia I either count sheep or ask my GF how her day was.
Who ever said technology will replace paper.....has obviously never tried wiping their a$$ with an IPAD.
Updating my status in the car. Don’t worry, I’m in the passenger seat. Which makes it harder to drive, but fools the cops.
FUN FACT: I can fit 17 Pringles in my mouth. SAD FACT: I tried to figure out how many Pringles I could fit in my mouth.
Some people are such treasures that you really just wanna bury them.
Every time I`m around my mother in law, I wonder who is running hell in her absence.
New favorite term: Multislacking. It’s nice to find a name for something you’re good at.
My favorite thing to say to old people is, "When I was your age I didn`t believe in reincarnation either".
If something rolls off of my plate... I eat it first, as punishment for trying to run away.
I recently added squats to my workouts by moving the beer into the bottom shelf of the fridge.
If you weren`t supposed to eat 15 Oreos in one sitting, they wouldn`t package them in rows of 15.