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The expiration date on my credit card is 4/20 and it always gets a good laugh when Im ordering pizza for delivery.
The only Plato I care about is a big Plato spaghetti
I`m not saying you`re a slut but you`re dirtier than my browser history.
Just because you have a beard doesn`t mean you`re a man. Last time I checked vaginas can grow hair too.
Officer: Do you know why I pulled you over? You were driving 80 miles an hour. Driver: "No way; I ain`t even been on the road an hour."
All I’ve ever wanted from life was to be a disturbance in the force.
Self-Checkout lanes were invented by a guy who was sent out to buy tampons.
What do you mean my bathrobe is inappropriate? Isn`t it casual Friday?!
Today`s Horoscope: You`re gullible
How many instruments do you have to be terrible at before you start playing the triangle?
The first 30 years of childhood are always the hardest.
Be careful when you`re watching a movie with your wife. You`re gonna get blamed for whatever the guy in the movie does.
I don’t think I get enough credit for doing everything I do while being unmedicated.
Today I saw a girl with the word "Anel" on her butt. I was like, woah..it`s supposed to say "Anal"..it`s spelled wrong then I realized it was supposed to say "Angel". The G was stuck in her a$$crack
Sometimes I just sit and run my fingers through my lovers hair. It`s a nice way to let them know my love and also that we`re out of napkins.