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Can anyone recommend a good movie to kinda listen to while I stare at my phone?
If you`ve never put fake blood capsules in your mouth before going to the dentist you are too mature to be my friend.
The early bird catches the worm. And the late bird catches one of the other trillion worms left. What`s your point?
Shout out to good looking women who date unattractive men who aren`t rich, thanks for keeping hope alive.
To everybody that is single don`t worry you will have your day............ Palm Sunday is just around the corner
Dear YouTube, I will always “Skip this ad.”
Each day is a gift, but some days are socks and underwear
I need my coffee before I start pretending to work.
Lets not kid ourselves, if the zombie apocalypse broke out, there are a couple people we would swear were zombies so we could shoot them
I know right from wrong. Wrong is the fun one.
Dear ladies, Not trying to impress you or anything, but I make my own sandwiches.
What`s the difference between a Garbanzo Bean and a Chickpea? I never had a Garbanzo Bean on my face.
“I wonder how much weight I’ve lost.” -Me, after eating one healthy meal.
If you ring my door bell you better be the pizza guy or a sexy naked lady ... with a pizza.
I`ll never need a shrink as long as my wife keeps pointing out whats wrong with me...