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Nothing is impossible. I know a man that once guessed correctly why a woman was mad at him.
Parents, forget about teaching your kids about the birds and the bees. Teach your kids the difference between their, they`re and there.
¦It’s time to clean the refrigerator when something closes the door from the inside.
According to the law it`s not appropriate to put a bounty on my boss. I actually thought it showed great initiative and leadership.
I`d feel totally comfortable dating a zombie because I`d know she loved me for my brains and not just my body.
I give 2 star movies 5 stars on Netflix because if I sat through this piece of sh!t, I want you to as well.
I hate how my friends are always trying to convince me to do extreme activities. Like bungee jumping, skydiving or leaving the house.
How big does a cupcake have to be before it`s just a cake?
Next time you see someone you don`t like, begin conversation with "I see the assassins have failed."
"I get knocked down, but I get up again, You`re never gonna keep me down" ~Bowling pins
If I liked one of your pics from 12 weeks ago, doesn`t mean I`m stalking you...It just means you haven`t looked nice in awhile
Every snack you make, every meal you bake, every bite you take, I`ll be watching you. - Dog
I love the gym this time of year. The newbies make me look like a Victoria Secret model.
It’s not a nap unless your face wakes up in a puddle of your own drool.
We are hosting a charity concert for people who struggle to reach orgasm. If you can’t come, let me know.