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There are over 4 million workplace injuries reported every year. Play it safe…call in sick tomorrow.
People should mute themselves on conference calls when they are crossing a battlefield and killing enemies to get to the next level.
I think the cats are hording all the single women out there...
While everyone may not speak the same language, we all know what time McDonald`s stops serving breakfast.
Every time I use a public bathroom, I always wonder why so many people have Sharpies on them at all times.
Days are short in December but spending them with family really stretches them out.
I like having an ex ...it gives me something to do on Facebook at 3 in the morning.
Hell yes, I would love to get stoned to death. Wait, rocks?! What rocks?
Next time you’re asked “What’s Up” respond “A delightful animated film about a young boy and an old man who fly away to an exotic place in a balloon house.”
90% of the apps on my phone don’t do anything except send me notices that there’s a new version of itself.
Keep reaching for the stars but get a better deodorant.
I told my girlfriend to get me a newspaper. Dont be silly, she replied. Borrow my iPad. That spider never knew what f*cking hit it.
Wow bro, that pot leaf tattoo on your neck really makes the colors of your Burger King uniform pop.
If someone found a legit way to make penises bigger, no one would believe them.
Hope dogs are kissing us and not trying to see if we started tasting good yet.