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I hate when I’m about to hug someone really sexy and then my face hits the mirror.
It’s called karma, and it’s pronounced “haha! Screw you!”
I’m classically trained in the art of Nintendo.
Hi can you fill this prescription please? Sir this is just a post-it note with `give me the good stuff` written on it.
Never wake a sleeping woman. Because then she´ll be awake.
they say there`s love in every corner....gosh I think I`m moving in circles
If you answer the phone and say "Hello, you`re on the air." most telemarketers will hang up quickly.
We`re all mature until somebody brings out the bubble-wrap...
I overheard this guy bragging about his fancy hotel sweet. Ptttsht. They are nothing but cheap a$$ mints!
How am I supposed to get any work done with all this work I have to do?
The guy who named the umbrella meant to call it a brella but he hesitated.
When I count calories it involves a bunch of multiplication.
once you delete your birthday from Facebook, you realize no-one ever gave a sh!t about you all along!
I’m always disappointed when a liar’s pants don’t actually catch on fire.
I like to finish other people`s sentences because my version is better.