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Maybe teenagers just aren`t strong enough yet to remove the sticker from their hat
Which wine goes best with more wine?
I’m glad you’re learning to laugh at yourself. That was kind of getting awkward for the rest of us.
When someone ask me... How are you?... I answer back... You mean in bed?
I walked into a bar in my pirate suit and a ships wheel in my pants.... The bartender asked... "Why do you have a wheel in your pants"? I replied "Argh.. it`s driving me nuts".
Imagine how fun Pringles would be if the cans were spring-loaded.
I love bacon because I can wrap it around everything. Essentially, it`s the duct tape of food.
Are the unmarried employees at Kraft known as Kraft singles?
Holiday Tip #236: When hosting a covered dish holiday dinner where everyone brings something, never put a skinny person in charge of desserts.
It would serve me better if they put shopping carts in the middle of the store where my pride realizes I have too much shit to carry.
It’s never too late for a coffee. After all it’s always morning somewhere in the world.
If you’re a millionaire and you don’t have trampoline floors or a giant slide that goes from your bed to an olympic sized indoor pool then you should just give me all of your money because you’re wasting it
Coca Cola: Because drinking black water seems like a solid life choice.
The best time to re-examine your life is when you find yourself reluctantly nodding to the questions asked at the start of an infomercial.
I should probably do some housework before they try to film the next Febreeze commercial here.