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The symptoms of Ebola are sweating, weakness, diarrhoea and stomach pains. Kind of like when I see my wife going thru my phone.
Who the hell invented Bull Riding? "Hey, I`m gonna hop on that 2,000 pound pissed off animal...Time me!!!"
Jehovah`s witnesses tell the worst knock, knock jokes
"Friendzoned" should be a relationship status on Facebook.
I need an emoticon that’s stabbing another emoticon in the eye with a pen while repeatedly punching it in its little emoticon balls.
I have decided to leave my past behind me.. so If I owe you money..I’m sorry. but I’ve moved on.
When in doubt, procrastinate.
My kids constantly yell at me whenever I try take their pictures, and I tell `em: "You`re gonna need them in 20 years for your Throw Back Thursdays updates"..... whatever!!
My favorite part about your rant on how much you hate social media sites was when you posted it from a social media site.
I Got so Drunk Last Night ,.I Walked Across the Dance Floor to Get Another Drink, and I Won the DANCE COMPETITION...!!
My love for you is beyond words so don’t expect a Valentine’s Day card from me.
Is bloodletting still in use today? Just thinking...I know a couple of people here that may be in need of some bloodletting
Some girls post the most depressing love sh!t that even I`m starting to miss their ex!!!
Going through the dealership lot with the salesman, pointing at every car and asking, "what kinda robot does that one turn into?"
My wife accused me of spending too much time on Facebook. That’s funny, when did I get a wife?