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Remember the days when water was free and you had to pay for porn?
Always keep a note in your medicine cabinet that says, “I thought you were peeing?”
People all around the world are out doing interesting and productive things right now. You are reading this.
I think I could be a farmer. Except for the dirt, waking up early, wearing overalls and planting crops. But I wouldn’t mind driving a tractor around.
Sometimes I like to hold the door for people who are far away so they feel obligated to run just a little. ;)
Imagine being naked in a room full of people who speak a different language and everyone wants to touch you. That is the life of a dog.
I really would like to take a yoga class. But I really can`t trust my farts.
Say no to drugs! Then again, if you`re talking to drugs, you`re probably already on drugs.
I know exactly how a bomb technician feels when I try to open a cup of cherry mixed fruit without the juice spraying out.
I`m not a mechanic so I don`t know why, but my car seems to make a screaming noise whenever I run over people.
Every day is a constant battle of trying to convince myself I don’t like cookies.
Apparently I snore so loudly that it scares everyone in the car I`m driving.
There is always light at the end of the tunnel. It might be a train or a truck so dont let it hit you.
Surveys say 1 out of every 2 people suck at math. It`s terrible that 80% of the population can`t even do the easiest calculations.
Life is all about tough decisions such as… Getting enough sleep or staying on the internet.