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The final stage of adulthood is when you start saying, "Oooh, that breeze feels nice."
I assert dominance over millennials by responding to their texts with phone calls.
If you don’t feel just a little bit of shame after the weekend… you’re not doing it right.
I love facebook... It`s the only place where I can talk to a wall and not look like an idiot...
You had me at “We’ll make it look like an accident.”
I will die on a white floor just to mess with the chalk outline guy.
Some people are like rain clouds. Once they f*ck off, it`s a beautiful day.
Whoever snuck the s in “fast food” is a clever person.
All true wisdom is found on T-Shirts.
Please tell me I’m not the only one who opens up their Hershey Kisses ever so gently so that the foil doesn’t tear.
I know how to wink my eye in like twelve different languages.
Well, it`s easy to tell I`m single. It`s Saturday night and I`m at home updating my facebook status...
Space heaters are the perfect housewarming gifts.
As I get older, I`ve learned to relax and not stress over trivial matters. Just kidding, I`m drunk.
I can`t turn water into wine, but I can turn vodka into dinner