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Sometimes late at night, I dig a hole in the back yard to keep the nosey neighbor`s guessing.
Anyone who says "Let`s all put our phones down and talk with each other," is just running out of battery and needs a charge.
Somewhere someone`s therapist knows you.
My birthday is coming up. I dont like to think of it as getting older I like to think of it as experience points.
Your personality needs alcohol.
They say when a man holds a woman’s hand before marriage, it is love, after marriage, it is self-defense.
That son of a b*tch moment when you`re walking around the house with socks on and step on a random wet spot.
I just want one spam email that`s like, "Congratulations! You have a perfect-sized p*nis."
Remember, you can always run from your problems. Unless your problem is a Cheetah.....then you`re screwed!
is wondering where noah kept woodpeckers on his ark
Everything just seems much better when you`re in denial
Judging by the size of these chicken fingers, that chicken had to be somewhere between 7` to 10` tall.
"I can`t wait to have you inside me," I whispered softly to my dinner.
I don`t want it to seem like I`m trying to get rid of you, but GO AWAY!!
I`m trying to give up sexual innuendos. But it`s hard........so hard......