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When your coworker tells you they are getting a divorce a high five is not the right answer. Or so I`ve been told. Twice now.
Didn’t Selfie Sticks used to be called Friends?
Sarcasm: because snapping a neck is frowned upon in a court of law.
Boss: Are you high? Me: You and I both know that I don`t make enough money to have a drug habit.
I`m running out of people I can tolerate!
I have a coffee table in my house. It`s decaffeinated but you would never know it by looking at it.
My boyfriend is being so nice to me since I showed him how easy it was to remove blood from carpeting...
I don`t think any of my vampire jokes will ever see the light of day.
I don`t drink these days. I`m allergic to alcohol and narcotics. I break out in handcuffs.
I used to play sports. Then realized you can buy trophies. Now I´m good at everything.
Liven up any boring conversation by telling people you have a glass eye and then watch them try and figure out which one it is.
My nickname at work is "HR wants to see you"
Women with big breasts... ...can get a taxi on the worst days ...have a neat place to carry spare change ...have always been the center of the arts (art) ...make jogging a spectator sport ...can keep a magazine dry while laying in the tub ...have more negotiating power (with men shorter than them) ...usually can find leftover popcorn after a movie ...can always carry a little extra ...always float better ...know where to look first for lost earrings ...rarely lack for a slow dance partner ...hav
I’m going back to sleep. I refuse to give up on my dreams that easily.
Why do we call it the Sun instead of a space heater?