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Condom slogan: Wrap it in latex or she`ll get your paychecks.
Imagine how freaked out the first human must of been on the first sneeze.
I don`t get personal trainers. I`ve never been exercising and thought "man, I wish someone hot was criticizing me right now."
Few things in life are more pleasurable than turning off the lights in a public bathroom while people are still inside.
When I die I want my body donated to science, but more specifically a scientist who is working on bringing dead guys back to life…
I can`t believe I was late for work tomorrow..
Some people think I say inappropriate things...I perfer to think of it as being f*cking honest.
The hay in baby Jesus`s manger came from Christian Bales.
I started to compliment my neighbors on their new wallpaper but then I realized they can`t hear me through binoculars.
Crazy is like diarrhea. You can only hold it in for so long.
In the interest of improving the workplace, my company has put up signs that say: CAUTION. OPEN DOORS SLOWLY ... My best time so far is 7 min.
Do Me: a favor. - Punctuation is important.
If you`re sad/single/both on valentines day just remember you can buy 40 chicken nuggets at McDonald`s for $8.99
Opposites attract, that`s the trouble with being awesome
If by a blow job you mean blowing everything out of proportion then yes I totally rock at blow jobs.