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Live each day like you’re marked for deletion.
This bartender doesn`t know it yet, but she is probably going to make me 36 hours late for work tomorrow.
You know you`re getting older when your friends start using the term "Pregnant" instead of "Knocked Up"
Sometimes I like to go to the hardware store and run around with a screwdriver shouting, "Ladies and gentlemen, this is not a drill!"
I laid awake all night again worrying about why I’m always so tired.
I`m like a kid in a candy store. I can`t afford anything.
Men are like cheap dishes - easily broken & completely replaceable!
Why would I pay someone to scare me at a haunted house when I could just open a can of biscuits at home?
I hope that man who was walking in memphis found out the way he really felt
Finding a date on the internet is so much easier than real life because how are they supposed to know that`s not your Ferrari?
Whew, good thing there`s a facebook petition for ending the shutdown, or else we`d be in real trouble.
In alcohol`s defence, I`ve done some pretty dumb sh*t while completely sober too.
It`s called NASCAR because that`s the way a hillbilly pronounces "nice car"
A compromise is an agreement whereby both parties get what neither of them wanted.
Sorry, I didn’t mean to text you a graphic description of my explosive diarrhea. Stupid autocorrect.