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Hair pulling during sex is hot ... unless the whole wig comes off.
I like the parts of the day when food happens.
The average person farts 14 times a day. Finally, I`m above average at something!!
In my head I sound like the Queen of England bitches!
No one is more confident than a drunk girl wearing a guy’s hat sideways.
My family is missing that gene that tells you when trash cans are full.
To-Do List: Nothing [?]
Imagine taking your girlfriend to your friends house for the 1st time, and her phone automatically connects to his password protected wifi.
I only have a kitchen because it came with the house.
My road to success is under construction and all the workers are out getting sh!tfaced.
A child`s purpose is to help their parents relearn the states and capitals.
Just got back from a job fair. Very disappointed. They didn`t have one damn ride.
It`s not my fault you thought I was normal.
I have the means to do anything that I want on my day off from work which means that I dont want to do anything on my day off from work.
One of these days I’ll realize that leaning forward in my car while accelerating does not make it go any faster.