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When in doubt, just do the opposite of whatever the person wearing pajamas in public is doing.
I`ve had frozen pizza and delivery pizza in the same day, b!tch you don`t know me.
Teenage girls hang out in odd numbered groups because they literally can`t even.
If my job was to make health questionnaires, I`d slip in random stuff like "How fast can you run backwards?"
Nothing tests that whole "for better or worse" thing like the question "does this look infected?"
My local hairdresser just got arrested for selling drugs. Unbelievable! I`ve been her customer for 10 years and had no clue she was a hairdresser!
Dating a woman in 5 easy steps: 1. Be attentive 2. Don`t be too attentive 3. Show interest 4. Don`t show too much interest 5. Seek therapy
Did you know that doughnuts make your clothes shrink?
Researchers claim that the Internet is making us dumber and more impatient. I don`t get it. Moving on.
I put the hot in psychotic.
I don`t take steroids because I never want to look like I`m capable of helping my friends move.
Not everything on CNN is fake news. Some of it is commercials.
I`m not saying my wife`s voice is annoying, but right now I`m really jealous of deaf people.
The Best Excuse given by a Lady for Missing Work ! "My husband took an overdose of Viagra.....Couldn`t leave him alone with the Maid"
So there`s a t.v. show called, It`s Me or the Dog?.. I was disappointed to find out its not a game show where people guess who farted