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I`m at my most judgmental when standing behind someone in a buffet line.
I have a feeling my check liver light will come on this weekend
Welcome to journalism, where everything is made up, and the sources don`t matter.
If it weren’t for physics and law enforcement, I’d be unstoppable.
My day at work wasn`t easy, I just made it look that way!
My internet went down. By which I mean my neighbors changed their password.
It takes patience to listen, it takes skill to pretend you’re listening.
“FREEZE! NOBODY MOVE!” – Mother Nature
"Goodbye, everyone. I`ll remember you all in therapy." -Me, leaving a family reunion.
The only person that can procrastinate more than me hasn`t even been born yet.
“We don`t lick people!” - Lies adults tell kids
There were 2 muffins in a muffin shop the first 1 says "I love being a muffin!" then the 2 muffin says ``Holy crap its a talking muffin!"
I`m disgusted by the thought of people updating their status while sitting on the toilet like I am right now.
I wonder if monsters ever get scared that we might be hiding under their bed?
When I get married I plan on introducing my spouse as my ex-fiancé just to mess with people.