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I wish I would of asked if she believed in sex after marriage
The real trouble with reality is that there´s no background music
Some of the best decisions I’ve ever made involved me clicking cancel instead of send.
Chase you? ... B!tch please, I don`t even chase my liquor.
I don’t think we can get through adulthood without a good sense of humor and a strong middle finger.
"I don`t trust you to not buy drugs" -people who give gift cards
You’re really not as bad as people say. You’re much, much worse.
Due to Global Warming Santa will be giving out Solar Panels to all the naughty kids this year!
The liquor store clerk just wished me a merry Christmas as if she weren`t going to see me 7 more times before then.
The worst walk of shame is the one back onto the crowded elevator after getting out on the wrong floor.
I`d love to have kids one day. Two days, tops.
When I`m cleaning my room, 1% cleaning 29% moaning 70% playing with stuff I just found.
Why do fifty percent of marriages end in divorce? Well, I`m guessing it`s because the other fifty percent can`t afford lawyers.
Irony. The opposite of wrinkly.
There are no absolutes in this world. Except vodka.