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I have decided to stop doing things "Like a Boss" and will now do things "Like a Rhinestone Cowboy."
"I like tube tops too, but even tires have pressure limits!
I don’t care what the expiration date says, I have to smell it.
"You`re as crazy as your mother" is the last thing I remember saying before waking up in intensive care
We all have that funny voice we use when talking to dogs, babies... and idiots!
Finding friends with the same mental disorder as you ... Priceless
Marriage: an expensive way to get your laundry done for free..
If I`ve learned anything about picking up woman at the super market it`s to stay away from those in the tampon isle.
Sometimes just to annoy my therapist, I ask him, "So how does my lack of progress make you feel?"
Being normal is boring.
My new dating profile just says "I`m tired of masturbating."
Whenever I fill out a job application with a box for "Race," I add a question mark and then write, "Anytime. Anywhere."
Make any conversation awkward by pulling out and starting a stopwatch without saying why you`re doing it.
You washed your hands? Be honest. Your hands washed each other, and you just watched like a sick freak.
They say children are a gift from god. I`m totally wide-open to regifting.