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You cant ask "What do you mean by that?" without sounding pissed off
I had hopes and dreams. Now I have vodka and the internet.
You don`t get to complain about life until you move out of your parent`s house.
I need to unbutton my pants just thinking about how much I’m going to eat this week.
I will write something profound ... subsoil!
Honestly, it`s not the way I look that reveals my age. It`s my use of complete sentences, proper grammar and spelling when I text.
I don’t understand ads on porn sites. like who is ever in the middle of jerking off then goes like “woah! that’s the new detergent?”
Roughly 82% of my day is trying to decide what my next meal will be
My new years resolution was to lose 30 lbs by the end of summer... I`ve only got 40 lbs to go.
Apparently, all those good looking people in the swimsuit catalogs go to a different beach than I do.
What if Oxygen makes our voice really deep…. And Helium just brings it back to normal?
New favorite term: Multislacking. It’s nice to find a name for something you’re good at.
Picking your nose doesn`t make you a bad person. .... but what you do with the booger will define you.
We are hosting a charity concert for people who struggle to reach orgasm. If you can’t come, let me know.
I wish all my freckles would just mix into a tan.