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"I like tube tops too, but even tires have pressure limits!
How easily you’re offended is directly proportional to how dumb you are.
10 REASONS WHY I`M LAZY... you know what? Never mind. I can do this later.
Sometimes I speak in a different font but no one ever notices.
They keep saying the right person will come along, I think mine got hit by a truck.
Sadly, I don`t think anyone has Wang Chunged once tonight... :(
Admit it, you should be doing something else really important right now but your on Facebook again.
I had a Dr. appointment this morning. He asked me how many beers I drink. I held out my hand and said this one is only my 4th, I`ll call you back later with the total.
"I didn`t get your text" is the new "my dog ate my homework"
I left my phone at home all day today. Is the sky always blue like that?
The best way to make a bad day better is by adding alcohol.
Somebody needs to teach opportunity how to use a doorbell.
When I order pizza online and there’s a “Notes” box I put “Ring bell, Cross moat, SLAY DRAGON”
An ex asking to stay friends after you break up is like a kidnapper asking to stay in touch after they let you go.
Yeah I`m married, but get one thing straight,,, I do WHAT I want, WHEN I wanhjkjhgfd,, THIS IS SCOTT`S WIFE, HE HAS TO GO NOW, HE SAYS GOODNIGHT.