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My mind is exceptionally quiet.... I am suspicious that I am up to something I don`t want myself to know about.
You have advice? For me? I have a $5 Starbucks gift card that`s older than you.
I’m considering becoming a mind reader ... What are your thoughts?
Man, that .01% of germs that can´t be killed by hand sanitizer must be some bad a$$ sh!t
It’s a good thing the fate of mankind doesn’t depend on me turning on the correct stove-top burner on my first try.
The cool thing about The Clapper is it doubles as a strobe light during s@x.
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over? Me: To propagate authoritarianism and generate revenue for the state? Cop: ...
When I think of all the money I’ve spent on booze in my life, I wish I had it all back. Imagine all the booze I could buy!
Whatever Mom, IF THAT`S EVEN YOUR REAL NAME!!!
When is National Slap a Co-worker Day? ... Please say tomorrow
Is everything expensive or am I simply poor?
One of the best ways to prepare for marriage is to wait 15 minutes in your car before going anywhere.
It`s always awkward ending phone calls with loved ones. I always say, "I love you" and they`re like, "thank you for choosing Domino`s."
I have an eating disorder; I`m about to eat dis order of fries, dis order of wings, and dis order of nuggets.
Crowded elevators smell different to midgets!