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People who try to test my patience don`t realize it`s an exam I don`t plan on passing
You gotta push yourself. Do 15 push-ups instead of 10. Run 3 miles instead of 2. Eat an entire cake instead of just one piece. Burn your ex`s house down. I believe in you!
Im going to a parking lot and put sticky notes on people`s cars saying "sorry for the damage." Then watching the magic.
Now I lay me down to sleep, a bottle of vodka at my feet, if I should die before I wake, tell my friends I drank it straight.
Dear World, Stop saying "twerk."
My favorite thing about marriage is sharing a house with the person most likely to murder me.
My cat’s gonna be homeless unless he comes up with something funny to post on YouTube.
There are two ways to go about arguing with a woman and neither one works.
Nobody notices your pain, your happiness, your sadness, your state of mind. But everyone notices it when you fart in public
I`m great in bed" ~ breakfast
I heard she was born naked!! That slut!
*Australian accent* Notice the wife in her natural habitat shaming the male husband species into doing what she wants!
In an effort to explain marriage to my son I put Dora the Explorer on in Spanish and told him to figure it out or he sleeps on the couch.
When Miley is naked & licks a hammer it’s “art” & “music” ... but when I do it, I`m “wasted” & “have to leave Home Depot"
Turns out having boobs only gets you stuff if you don`t have a penis as well.