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I know it’s 3 meals a day, but how many should I eat at night?
I thought we had something. You met my family, made us dinner, called me honey. Now suddenly you’re a “waitress” who was “doing her job?”
I hate when all the silverware is dirty and I`m down to using the giant decorative fork that hangs on the wall.
Guinness for breakfast because its Ireland somewhere.
Don`t play stupid with me! I`m better at it.
I wish common sense was more common.
Feeling so good today ... High-five the person next to you and tell them it`s from me.
Whew! Thank you warning label I was actually considering using my new floor lamp in the shower.
I was going to get married, but my wife refuses to sign the divorce papers
Relationship status: running out of films on Netflix.
I don`t blame Monday. I blame Saturday for not matching my Powerball numbers
My buddy asked me the other night if he could crash on my couch. I had to explain to him that I`m married now and thats were I sleep...
The number of things that are *NOT* rocket science is staggering.
When I ask a girl I like why she and her ex broke up and she says "we just didn`t work out" I already know I have no chance since I hate working out
Hey, did you know that in two days, tomorrow will be yesterday!