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After 20 years of marriage, my wife still makes me smile. At least for the pictures...
I need a new refrigerator ... There`s no food in mine.
Remember, condoms prevent minivans.
You know what bothers me? When people assume you`re homeless cause you`re asleep on the street and your pants are gone..
The next time the creepy guy at the bar asks you "Why aren`t you smiling?" simply reply, "I don`t smile while I fart."
#1738 "The fact that people use the wrong "your" and "there" yet spell "Bieber" correctly bothers me."-dd
No horror movie can surpass the sensation of touching your pockets and not feeling your cell phone.
Bowling is my favorite sport because you don`t have to run and there`s beer five feet away.
What`s the difference between a Garbanzo Bean and a Chickpea? I never had a Garbanzo Bean on my face.
I ate 4 cans of alphabet soup, and just took probably the biggest vowel movement ever
Best part of living alone...clothing optional ;)
When a male octopus finds a mate, he rips off his happy place and throws it at the female octopus so she can inseminate herself. Then the male grows a new happy place. If that isn`t the most epic way to tell someone to go $*&# themselves, I don`t know what is!
"in other news… it turns out being mayor of Toronto is all that its cracked up to be" - George T. Ignace
If women kept their feelings to themselves would they explode? Guess we`ll never know.
I`m the type of person that will burst out laughing in dead silence over something that happened days ago.