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Going to drink straight from the carton because I`m a badass!
Most advanced telescopes use mirrors so we really have no way to know how many vampires are in space
If I treated others how I wanted to be treated, I`d be doing a ton of spontaneous sexual favors for random strangers.
Laughter is the best medicine but if you are laughing without any reason, I think you need medicine
The trouble with going out in the cold at my age is by the time I get all bundled up, I’ve forgotten where I was going.
Amazing how many people just stroll into tattoo parlors and say “Give me the dumbest thing you can think of.”
Nothing screams "I don`t care about being on time for work" like hopping on Facebook first thing in the morning.
My best childhood memory was falling asleep on the couch and waking up in bed…. I miss teleporting. It never happens to me anymore.
Wow, I just melted a piece of ice by staring at it. Took a little longer than I thought it would.
Dudes get one chest or arm tattoo and suddenly forget to wear shirts.
Marriage is supposed to be permanent. It`s like a tattoo that yells at you.
It`s no fun having nothing to do, fun is having a lot to do and doing nothing.
How does anything ever get done at the bubble wrap factory?
are you free tomorrow ?! no I am f**king expensive !!
Nothing says "I`ve already given up on this day" quite like a Taco Bell breakfast.