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So, basically Alexa is just some know-it-all with no actual job skills.
Nothing says "My life isn`t going exactly as I planned" quite like being at Wal Mart at 1am.
The loudest possible way to open a bag of chips is to try and do it quietly.
I’m just like everyone else: I put my straight jacket on one buckle at a time.
Apparently "Fat Tuesday" doesn´t constitue telling fatties they´re fatties.
went to vegas: put a coin in the machine and a prize came out, put another coin and another prize came out...problem is i don`t know what to do with all these empty cans now.
If a man doesn`t drink when he`s living, how in the hell can he drink when he`s dead?
When I`m happy, I drink and when I drink, I`m happy. Win/Win!!
Facebook.. reminds me a lot of high school. Full of alcohol, drugs, jealousy, sexual frustration and a bunch of boobs I`ll never get to touch.
They called themselves geologists because stoners was already taken.
"People should just mind their own business," probably the funniest thing I`ve ever read on a social networking site.
Every day is just a new opportunity to eat pizza.
A cop pulled me over and said ``Papers...`` So I said, ``Scissors, I win!`` and drove off like a boss!
Most of the lies I tell aren`t even true!
I wish karma would send me email notifications.