Daily Silly Status

Sometimes the first step to forgiveness is understanding that the other person is an idiot.

I know this will probably piss off a bunch of people I know, but what makes someone good at fishing?!? Seriously, all you did was wait longer.

dear journal..im now the coolest kid in school....mom:SWEETIE THE CHESSCLUB IS HERE 4 U!!!

Stop asking why I’m still single. I don’t ask how you’re still married.

I still water my dead plants every 3 months. Just in case...

The girl in the car next to me is totally checking me out. I think she likes me. After I`m done picking my nose, I`m gonna smile and wave.

If you answer the phone and say "Hello, you`re on the air." most telemarketers will hang up quickly.

Ironically the only way I`d watch the 50 Shades of Grey movie is if you tied me to a chair and forced me to.

My doctor told me to eat more Taco Bell, well he actually told me to eat "less McDonalds" but I`m pretty sure I know what he meant.

That moment when I try and be helpful to a blind man getting off the bus by saying, "watch your step"

My girlfriend left a note on the fridge, "It`s not working. I cant take it anymore, I`m going to moms" I opened the fridge, the light came on, the beer was cold, WTF is she talking about?

I dream of a day when a mysterious hand will pop out of the screen and b!tch-slap you silly each time you post a boring or stupid status.

I had a very confident breakdown today. ...Wasn`t nervous at all. ;)

Using dog shampoo when I run out of cat shampoo because I ran out of human shampoo a week ago.

This salad tastes like I’d rather be fat.