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My kids think I`m uncool like I thought my parents where. Time to get even! ;)
I like to friend friends of friends then unfriend the first friend to freak out the friend of a friend.
My coworker`s inspire me to drink on the job.
Million Dollar Idea: Hire a bunch of people with OCD and start a cleaning company.
I don`t want to be bothered with stupid $h!t today. What is stupid $h!t? Anything I don`t want to be bothered with.
You know what`s really great about being a narcissist? Me.
Dear Maytag: Why don`t your dryers have a Fold cycle? It`s 2018 for chrissake!
If you ever get caught sleeping during work, just slowly raise your hand and say "In Jesus name I pray, Amen."
You`re an intellectual who doesn`t read books? I completely understand because I`m an athlete that rarely moves.
Since they`re loud and heavily scented already, Abercrombie & Fitch stores really are the ideal spot to go fart.
I`m so old I remember when water was free and you had to pay for porn.
Keep it down kids!.. Daddy is trying to think of something stupid to say on the internet.
Accidentally went grocery shopping on an empty stomach and now I`m the proud owner of aisle 7.
It only takes one person to ruin it for everyone...Be that person.
Monday morning coffee is just as important as friday night liquor....almost.