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I hope I never have to run for my life. It wouldn’t end well.
Laugh if you will but this night-light has an undefeated record at repelling Boogeymen.
Getting to places would be so much easier if I had a helicopter.
Guess what I saw today? ... Everything I looked at.
If a woman repeats what you just said in the form of a question, you`ll be dead soon.
I wish computer companies would design a keyboard with a removable crumb tray, kinda like my toaster.
You’d be more impressed with me if you never met anyone else.
Just found out my birthday is the same day I was born... Life is crazy...
Sorry I made fun of your erectile dysfunction, I hope there’s no hard feelings.
Does shaking the vending machine count as working ...
I hate when people stare at me and don’t say anything. I mean if you want an autograph or a picture just ask..!
I stopped watching the History Channel because it`s so outdated.
I really would love to see two mimes arguing
Trying to remain humble but I’m the most famous person in my living room right now.
I bet if you asked a one-eyed person, they`d tell you it really WAS all fun and games up until that point.