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It doesn`t matter whether the glass is half empty or half full. There`s clearly room for more Alcohol
Sadly, the opposite sex is ignoring me like a check engine light.
3 things I will never understand: 1. The meaning of life. 2. The universe. 3. How Spongebob & Patrick made those sounds effects in that box.
There`s never been a lazier group of people than the ones that settled on naming a candy bar "Whatchamacallit."
I ran into a hot guy at the grocery store last week and he hasn`t tracked me down and proposed to me yet. This is why I hate movies.
I tried stuff once. It was horrible.
Having children is a fantastic source of free labor.
Pretty considerate of germs to count all the way to five before jumping on the food we drop.
I’m actually not funny. I’m just really mean & people think I’m joking.
says if you don`t like the way I live my life, than there is some good news... you aren`t me!!
Trust me, when they make a pill that REALLY makes your d!ck grow, that commercial will be on during the Super Bowl, not 3am!
The most powerful I ever feel is waving pedestrians to walk in front of my car. “Go forth, and trust that I will not kill you.”
The relationship was going so well until I left my phone unlocked.
I need to adjust the brightness settings for my future.
If goldfish crackers actually tasted like goldfish-- wait, I just realized I`ve never tasted a goldfish. What if the crackers are accurate?