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Sometimes, you can just tell it`s gonna be a "does not play well with others" kind of day.
My girlfriend would be so mad if he found out that I`m telling people she`s my girlfriend.
Don`t rush me. I`m waiting for the last minute.
My kids don`t even know they have a grandma that gives them $100 on their birthdays
Wonder if Jesus gets screwed out of birthday presents just because his birthday is so close to Santas?
My number one rule to live by is: Don’t die.
I`m sorry but, I could not hear you over the sound of my internal hope that you would shut the f*ck up.
Vegans think they will live longer than us, but they don`t realize they are 100 times more likely to be murdered mid conversation.
I was gonna call you... but I`m still sober.
People think that a girl`s dream is to find her perfect guy & be with him forever... That`s Crap! A girl`s dream is to eat without getting fat.
Really disappointed to find out after laser eye surgery I am unable to burn down buildings
I`d engage you in a battle of wits, but I`m afraid you`re unarmed.
Question everything...Or should you?
I won employee of the month!!!…. again! I love being self employed.
No one on Earth has a higher tolerance to cold temperatures than someone who wants to smoke a cigarette.