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When your coworker tells you they are getting a divorce a high five is not the right answer. Or so I`ve been told. Twice now.
It`s the simple things that make me laugh....mostly you.
With the right person, you can talk about absolutely nothing for hours & feel like you spoke about everything.
I eat cake every day because I know somewhere out there, it`s someone`s birthday and I need to show respect.
Hardest thing in life: Trying to look happy when no money falls out of your birthday card.
If A-B-C-D didn’t drag out their part of the Alphabet song, LMNOP wouldn’t have to be so rushed.
There are a lot of side effects to smoking weed. Like never shutting up about the fact that you smoke weed.
So far, I`ve had exactly "call my ex" number of beers tonight!!!
Never make the same mistake twice, There are so many new ones, Try a different one each day.
I took a nude photo of myself ... With the light off ... You`re welcome.
I wish I could forget you as easy as I forget my passwords.
"YOU WANNA TAKE THIS OUTSIDE!?" I yell to my husband as I hand him the trash.
When a newscaster says; "I am live at the scene with a person who witnessed the accident," what they really mean is; "Check out this douchetard we found at the scene of this crash."
It`s not "you`re" or "your". It`s mine. It`s all mine, everything is mine!
Never trust a man in a wheelchair with dirty shoes.