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Who needs dance lessons when you`ve got alcohol?!
I noticed you stopped taking your meds. Can I have them?
My email notification is a cricket sound that drives the wife crazy looking for the cricket. Winning!
iPhone is really a terrible name considering how rarely I use it as a phone. That`s like if my bed was named iSex.
At first it was "Okay" and then "ok" and now "k" and soon it will disappear and you`ll all regret it
If I saw a ghost, I would not be scared. I’d be like “Sit your translucent ass down, I have a lot of questions!”
My resume is basically just a list of things I hate to do.
Two clowns are eating a cannibal. One turns to the other and says "I think we got this joke wrong."
All I`m saying is, you`ve never seen me crying and eating tacos at the same time
At Starbucks drive up window. Me: large iced chai please Them: you mean a venti? Me: large iced chai. Them: we call a large a venti. Me: Do you want a large tip or a venti tip? Them: large iced chai, please pull up.
If you ever feel like a failure, just know that somewhere in the world, someone just lost their straw inside a Capri Sun.
Just washed my car with the squeegee at the gas station.
My penis was in the Guinness book of World Records. Then the librarian told me I had to take it out before she called security.
The Olympians stories are amazing! The Ukrainian whose family was killed, the Korean who escaped slavery, the American who never had wifi.
So there`s a t.v. show called, It`s Me or the Dog?.. I was disappointed to find out its not a game show where people guess who farted