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How to make friends: 1. Tell people you have weed.
I am currently watching the Holy Grail of horror movies. There are 10 minutes left and the black guy is still alive.
How do blind people know when to stop wiping their asses
I know this will probably piss off a bunch of people I know, but what makes someone good at fishing?!? Seriously, all you did was wait longer.
Do bees even have knees?
People say that marriage is a job...marriage is not a job, its a hobbie!! Dating while you`re married...that`s a job!!
Trust me when I say anyone can dance! - Jack Daniels
The bills are washed, the dishes are paid, the laundry’s in the oven. I’m going to bed.
I finally found a machine at the gym I like: the vending machine!
When children shy away, I say, "I don`t bite. Not hard anyway!" Then I laugh and bite them hard. They need to understand life`s not easy.
I eat my Chinese food just like any other American, with chopsticks, one grain of rice at a time.
I`m fairly certain that kids only have ears for decorative purposes.
When I bang my toe against something it`s like I pressed a button that plays all the curse words I know
Billion dollar idea. A smoke detector that shuts off when you yell "I`m just cooking!"
"I can`t wait for New Years to be over!" -my liver