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Whoever determined that a 1-inch candy bar should be called "fun sized" should really re-evaluate their standards for entertainment.
My kids can be difficult sometimes, but my mom always assures me that I deserve it.
Laugh now because when I die, I`m coming back to haunt you.
just taught my kids about taxes by eating 38% of their ice cream
We live in a society that`s the most knowledgeable about a zombie apocalypse, but the most likely to be eaten while staring at our phones.
Sober me makes plans and drunk me cancels them. Its a good system.
Started a new exercise routine yesterday. So far I`ve only missed one day.
I`d watch NASCAR if Hot Wheels designed the tracks.
The person before me got $0.57 worth of gas. My day doesn’t seem so bad now.
I know I`m an adult now, but I still hold out hope that money will fall out of every card I get.
Thinking about waking up early for a run. Mostly thinking about how I will not be doing that.
Stop waiting for the perfect moment. Take a moment and make that sh!t perfect.
You never know what you have until you clean your room.
Why is "Pissed" an expression of being upset? I`ve never been so mad that I pee`d myself.
The moment you empty your vacuum cleaner is the moment you become a vacuum cleaner.