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They don`t make pizza or beer out of celery. And that is all you need to know about celery.
We still don`t know sh*t about that airplane. - NEWS
A handshake means something completely different to a cannibal.
"You`re as crazy as your mother" is the last thing I remember saying before waking up in intensive care
That`s not chapstick in my front pocket.
Just remember, every day is a gift from God. Well except for Monday.. Satan slips that one in. He’s a sneaky bastard.
Under no circumstances shall a call be made to another male after 2 a.m., unless its to get bailed out of jail.
There’s so many people I’d love to get the silent treatment from
God knew that there would be times that a single middle finger wouldn`t be enough.
If guys were smart, they’d forget the nightclubs and watch the supermarket for girls who buy frozen dinners and cat food.
Ladies and Gentleman, I’ve traveled a long way, crossed many bridges, fought my way through countless obstacles, all to bring you this one sad truth about life. There’s never enough beer.
After a night of heavily drinkin` there`s one thing I can`t stand...and that`s up.
I always learn from the mistake of others who take my advice.
Happy Birthday to all those ladies that their men forgot about because it falls on Super Bowl Sunday this year.
If House of Cards has taught me anything it’s that I need a friend who owns a rib place.