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The worst part of being naked is not having pockets.
Every day can be Friday if you`re really irresponsible.
The worst thing about parallel parking is witnesses...
Pizza: 73% delicious, 27% also delicious.
Stupid people who suddenly make a smart decision have no idea how confusing that is for the rest of us.
If I drop my food on a plane, and we change time zones at the same time, do I receive an additional hour to the 5 second rule?
Say goodbye to your girlfriends cause I just bought a book on magic tricks
For all the parents with kids starting school I just want to say congratulations. You made it through another summer without killing your children!! I am proud of you all!!
Relationships are like just-out-of-the-oven pizza. You know it`s going to burn you, but it looks so good and maybe this time it won`t?
I tried to login on my iPad. Turns out it was an etch-a-sketch and I don`t own an iPad. Also. I`m out of alcohol.
My mind is like "LETS DO THIS SH!T" but my body is like "calm down motherf*cker"
Apparently showing the pharmacist a picture of my wife was not a good enough reason to get Valium without a prescription.
I`m not getting married till Pizza Hut allows gift registry.
Who was the greatest prostitute in history? Ms. Pacman, for 25 cents that b*tch swallowed balls till she died.
Would you like a push on that mood swing of yours?