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finally got my certification in the mail, I`m officially insane.
I saw a fat kid sitting on a seesaw all by himself. I stopped and waited for another kid to fall from the sky. I left disappointed.
“I went to Jared” I whispered as she slowly opened the velvety box of Subway coupons.
I like people. I just don`t want them talking to me. Or breathing near me. Or making me look up from my phone.
If I share my food with you, its either because I love you a lot, or because it fell on the floor and I don`t want it.
Autocorrect is a great feature, but it can also be your worst enema.
There are no problems which cannot be solved through suitable application of high explosives.
Someone asked me today if ive ever been with two women at the same time. But why would I want to disappoint two women at the same time?
I`d take Cap`n Crunch more seriously if his eyebrows weren`t on his hat.
Dear naps, I`m sorry I was such a jerk to you as a kid.
The guy blaring the self help CD at the red light in the rusted car with no bumpers wasn`t amused when I said, "I don`t think it`s working"
Relationship status: Private. The only way for it to be.
Don`t judge a man by how low his pants hang below his a$$...just kidding, that`s a great reason to judge someone.
Crowded elevators smell different to midgets!
Ever notice how many friends you have when you pull out a pack of gum?