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It must be really hard to judge a wet t-shirt contest because I saw one recently and all the t-shirts looked equally wet.
Behind every successful student, there is a deactivated Facebook account.
Saw a chameleon today. So I guess it`s safe to say it was a pretty sh!tty chameleon.
If you have fewer than 25 FB friends. Please unfriend me because thats just embarassing and I dont want to be on your "loser" list.
Pretty sure I look forward to my boss` vacation`s more than he does.
Procrastination is the art of keeping up with yesterday.
Well it’s time to go from sitting on my office chair, to sitting in traffic, to sitting on my couch. I’m very skilled at sitting.
There may be two sides to every story, but you’re still a douche in both of them.
Apparently I snore so loudly that it scares everyone in the car I`m driving.
If you are the one who stole my computer yesterday, please disregard the folder labeled, "Nature photographs." Thanks.
10 million people share the same birthday as you. Your personalized horoscope means sh!t.
A blind man walks into a bar....and a stool....and a table....
Yeah... I may be old... But I`m still hot..... They just come in flashes now!
Hello, fire department? Is this Mr. February? Yeah, I`m stuck in a tree. Uh, I mean... meooow.
My reaction to stepping in dog sh!t is identical to me logging onto Facebook