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I got called pretty today! Well actually the full statement was "you`re pretty annoying!" But I only focus on positive things
If it walks like a duck and it looks like a duck, the chances are she`s practising for her next selfie
For all of you who gossip about me: Thanks for making me the center of your world.
If ignorance really was bliss we`d have a lot more really happy people around here.
My Bills are so big that I have to call them William now.
I don`t know, guys. The whole "play dead when a bear attacks" thing sounds suspiciously like something the bears would come up with...
I never thought I’d be the kind of person who’d wake up early in the morning to exercise... and I was right.
TRUE FRIENDSHIP: Walking into a persons house and your wifi connects automatically.
Overheard at grocery: Paper or plastic, sir? Doesn’t matter. Im bisacksual.
The amount of alcohol I would need to sleep with you, would actually kill me
Your pants say yoga but your a$$ says McDonalds!!
I need to find a job where I am paid solely on how awesome I am.
GF - What`s that beeping? Me - Fasten Seatbelt Alarm. GF - How can you ignore something so annoying? Me - Huh?
That sound you hear when you already closed the cupboard & hear something fall -yeah, that’s the sound of someone else’s problem.
No one on Earth has a higher tolerance to cold temperatures than someone who wants to smoke a cigarette.