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I don’t like being told what to do…unless I’m naked.
I bet some of you would absolutely kill it in a race where you had to jump over obstacles while looking at your phone.
Groundhog Day, Just walked outside and saw my shadow, It`s now official, Six more weeks of dieting :/
I’m really bad at measuring the correct amount of pasta when cooking, so if you and 79 of your friends want spaghetti tonight…I got extra.
Why are there never any good side effects. Just once, I’d like to read a medication bottle that says “May Cause Multiple Orgasms”
Why do people ask “What the hell were you thinking?” Obviously I was thinking I was going to get away with it and not have to explain it.
Why do we feel safe under blankets? It`s not like a murderer will come in thinking "I`m gonna ki..- ahh damn! He`s under a blanket
In Starbucks a customer went sh*t house rat crazy when they got a double shot of espresso instead of the triple shot they ordered ... I`m fine now.
For lent I`m giving up sex, wait I`m not Catholic. Whoa, that was close
To find out your dolphin name, lick your finger tips and rub a balloon
My 6 year old found the duct tape and now nothing in my house moves.
I`m sick and tired of people telling me to turn off lights to save the environment. I tried it once, and I nearly killed some guy on a bike.
What sucks about those little hotel shampoo bottles is there`s no room for the directions so you kind of have to wing it.
A blind man walks into a bar....and a stool....and a table....
In the word "scent" is it the s that is silent or the c?