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Thanks to this huge spider web I just walked into, we can now add the neighbors to the list of people that have seen me naked.
Me: "The only person I need in my life is you." Bartender: "Please stop trying to hold my hand."
Just got a new phone. Pretty pissed all my contacts were not lost.
Does everyone have that one dumb ass that finds you on Facebook and will not give up? Repeated friend requests, inbox messages, and follows my pages. It is driving me nuts. I understand at some point I will have to give in, but just because I am married to her doesn`t mean I have to like her, right?
I`m leaving my body to science because even scientists need a good laugh now and then.
When a pizza guy comes to my door, I like to answer wearing the same uniform as him and holding a pizza.....and then insist that he called me
It’s a good job Apple isn’t in charge of New Year. We’d all be expecting 2015 and get 2014S instead.
At the Touch of Love..Everyone Becomes a Poet !
But..At the Touch of Breakup Everyone Becomes a Philosopher... ^_^
Taught a man how to buy fish ... So much easier.
Not to brag, but most of the problems that take Dora the Explorer 30 minutes to figure out, I can solve in like 18-20 minutes.
Just once, I would like to wake up, turn on the news, and hear... "Monday has been canceled, go back to sleep."
Back before Walmart, you used to have to buy a ticket to see a bearded woman.
Ever noticed that `beer can` in a british accent sounds exactly like `bacon` in a jamaican accent?
You know when dogs sticks their heads out of a moving car window, bite at the air and it looks like fun? I tried it. It is.
I just called my boss and told him I have explosive diarrhea. It’s my day off, but I like to keep him informed.