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Sometimes I like to go to the hardware store and run around with a screwdriver shouting, "Ladies and gentlemen, this is not a drill!"
Such a relief when things I`ve been meaning to do become things I meant to do but now it`s too late.
I never thought I`d be one of those people that hit the gym early in the morning ... I was right!
Bumper stickers are helpful for recognizing members of society you do not want to associate with.
When I die, I want a cellphone in my coffin…just in case.
When I say I like to travel, I really just mean I like to get drunk in different places.
Pork is awesome, but it`s best when used as a verb.
My dog just saved my life by ferociously barking at nothing outside.
Don`t be ashamed of who you are. That`s your parents job.
dude i wasent tht drunk you were huging a peice of chese saying ill never let u go sponge bob
I smiled and waved at my neighbour so I bet the first thing she`ll do today is buy bedroom curtains.
So it turns out being an adult is mostly just googling how to do stuff.
just spilled alphabet soup on my keyboard. I`m so confused
Worst part about getting a phone call is the 12 seconds you can’t use your phone as you wait for it to stop ringing.
The trick to farting in an elevator is wearing a suit. No one ever suspects the guy in the suit.