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I want rich people problems. Like where to park my yacht.
I got married so that I can be autocorrected even when my phone is off.
I made a chicken salad today... The little bastard didn`t even eat it.
Does the sleeve tat go with my male pattern baldness and pot belly? Asking for a friend.
Girls are funny creatures. They hate it when you ask their age but will kill you if you forget their birthday.
Just saw a group of kids trying to put another kid into a dumpster, I had to step in, They couldn`t even lift him, We high-fived & laughed
My favorite drinking game is drinking.
If it looks like a duck, swims like a duck, and barks like a pig, then I probably took too many pills.
Debate?.....isn`t that what you use to catch "The Fish" ?
I did not steal your drink. You abandoned it and I rescued it.
Any guy can seem cool on a motorcycle. If you really want to know what kind of man you`ve got, watch him walk through a spider web.
How do you start a rave in Ethiopia? Glue a piece of toast to the ceiling
Sarcasm is a body`s natural defense against stupid people
No need to blind fold me, just hand me my phone and drive, I won`t have a clue how to get back here
Life is too short for fake butter, cheese or people.