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Okay, calm down. Its a spider. Just one tiny litt- HOLY MOLY IT MOVED!
Yoga pants are just push up bras for your butt.
Sometimes to much to drink is never enough
This week’s weather forecast: Sweaty underboobs.
I wish my personality allowed me to write deep and meaningful statuses sometimes, oh well. Titties!
My kids are the reason I wake up every morning. Really freaking early. Every...Single...Morning...
When a cop asks you, "Do you know why I pulled you over?" It is never a good idea to respond, "Because my tires look like donuts?"
I`m a little stumped by this beer to pee volume ratio.
Stress balls work best when you shove them down somebody`s throat.
Boy: "Life`s a bitch, so is my Girlfriend." Girlfriend: "Life`s short, so is his d!ck.
Sorry, I can`t delete any of my voicemails cause then people would be able to leave me a new one
I didn’t sell my soul to the devil….we worked out a rent-to-own deal.
Women my age expect a man to have his sh!t together by now. Time to start dating younger women.
I will be thoroughly disappointed if the first human born on Mars isn’t named Marvin.
Dear Social Media, thanks for showing me that I can like people. So long as I don`t have to see, touch, or smell them.