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The only problem with teaching little kids to share is that sometimes they want some of my stuff
I`ve set my "life goals" to stuff I`ve already done so literally every day now I`m overachieving. It`s all about perspective.
If I had a time machine, I would just keep going back to bed.
Decisions decisions ... Guess I`ll drink on it.
As I walk through the valley of the shadow of death I say unto myself I SHALL NEVER... USE APPLE MAPS AGAIN...
Moms birthday is next week. I can’t find a card that says “I wish you loved me more than vodka.”
my friends status was "standing on the edge of a cliff" ... so I poked him
Sex, drugs, and candy crush all have one thing in common. It’s only an addiction if you start paying for it.
It`s 2014 and somehow we still don`t have a car mirror that can make objects appear exactly as far away as they are.
Does anyone else get scared when a text reads "Can I ask you a question?"
is wondering where noah kept woodpeckers on his ark
Sometimes it’s just better to buy new Tupperware than to risk opening the leftovers.
Sometimes, when I wake up in the morning, I`ll read 4 or 5 status updates and I`ll cry, because I relieze how dysfunctional some of my friends life`s are. but then I`ll smile when I remember things like the leftover pizza from last night sitting on the coffee table!
My best friend sent me a message saying,"Your stupid," I replied,"atleast I know the difference between you`re and your,"
I told my psychiatrist that everyone hates me. He said I was being ridiculous - everyone hasn`t met me yet