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Everything happens for a reason. Sometimes that reason is that you`re a terrible person and had it coming.
This lady thinks repeatedly pushing the already-lit elevator button will summon it faster. I think I’ll push ALL the buttons when we get in.
Relationships are like yard sales... They look good from a distance but you get there & realize its just a bunch of sh!t you dont need.
No one wants to hear about your diet. Just eat your salad and be sad.
Hello customer service, I ate two happy meals and I’m still not happy
Scientists have recently discovered that approximately 2% of Earth`s water at any given time is found on Tupperware containers being removed from the dishwasher
I am used but in good condition.
Pinatas are a great way to teach children that if you repeatedly beat something with a stick, eventually you`ll get what you want.
I thought I was wrong once, but I was mistaken.
Any woman can make you a Millionaire.. You only have to be a Billionaire first.
Every time I`m around my mother in law, I wonder who is running hell in her absence.
This drag race is not at all what I expected. Are they in dresses inside of the cars, at least?
Did a 5k today. Except it was how many calories I had at lunch.
Pro tip: Go the the gym on one of those 1 day free passes, take 365 selfies then post one every day.
I think my phone has a Miley virus,It stopped twerking