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Setting my coffee maker to `stun`
There are 2 types of people that annoy me: Drunk people, when I`m sober. Sober people, when I`m drunk.
Not to brag, but I`m pretty good in bed. I don`t snore or steal covers, and I only pee if something startles me.
Please don`t wear skinny jeans if you don`t have skinny genes.
In-laws the reason why I`d never get married..
Neat, your girlfriend is made out of the same stuff as your air guitar!
So far my Christmas shopping has involved buying myself presents, so I`d say it`s been a success.
Alcohol and calculus don’t mix… Don’t drink and derive!
I wonder who the first person was to look at a beehive and think, "those bastards are hiding something delicious in there, I know it!"
Married people always ask when you’re getting married like they get points for recruiting to their club of misery.
Ate salad for dinner! Mostly croutons & tomatoes. Really just one big, round crouton covered with tomato sauce. And cheese. I ate a pizza.
Inspirational status of the day: Don’t be a douche.
Sometimes, the light at the end of the tunnel is just a lost guy with a flashlight.
I`m so fresh they call me "ferbreeze"
Have you ever realized that sleeping is just your eyes staring at your eyelids all night long?