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My iPhone autocorrected "wish you were here" to "wish you were beer" ... I sent it anyways.
Stall Cleaning service, Satisfaction guaranteed or 100% or you manure back!
The average person farts 14 times a day. Finally, I`m above average at something!
Netflix should double as a dating site and be like "here are 9 other singles in your area that watched LOST for the past 11 hours."
Do women know that it`s perfectly legal to apply makeup at home before they get in their car?
I have done some truly amazing things to get the last bit of toothpaste out of the tube.
I always tell myself there is no such thing as a stupid question, but everyday someone tries to change my mind
When buying a flat screen tv, always remember to put the box in your neighbor`s trash so you don`t get robbed.
My favorite breed of dog? Good question, thanks for asking. Either a corndog or a hotdog.
If adult diapers are called Depends, then baby diapers should be called Definitely!!
Some people should use a glue stick for lip balm
Y`all are gonna lose your minds when Donald Trump eats a Snickers and turns into Bernie Sanders.
The funniest thing about being sober is to realize you were so drunk last night you were texting all night with a calculator.
Everything happens for a reason. Sometimes the reason is that you’re ignorant and make bad decisions.
I`m doing a charity gig tonight for people who struggle to achieve orgasm. Don`t worry if you can`t come