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I like to finish all of my drive thru orders with, "And that`s for here."
Walked into the kitchen for orange juice; walk out with sandwich, crackers, chocolate milk, and the TV remote I lost 30 minutes ago
I hope your day is as nice as your butt.
Please accept this bundle of fragrant plants grown expressly to be killed while in their prime as a token of my love for you.
Messing up a guy’s hair = cute. Messing up a girl’s hair = putting your life on the line.
DID YOU KNOW: If every person on the planet lined up along the Earth`s equator, most of them would drown.
I`ve found the most effective way to get an attractive guy to fall for me is by simply using my charm... and then a stun gun.
Today`s Horoscope: You`re gullible
Do you think we like to sing in the shower because we all love a good soap opera?
I`ve found a new coping mechanism....................COOKIES!
Everything happens for a reason. Sometimes that reason is that you`re stupid and make bad decisions.
Why hasn`t anyone written a sequal song to "Jessie`s Girl" ... Where he discovers what an incredible high maintenance drag she is?
Some people say I`m a dreamer, others say, “If you fall asleep at work again you`re fired"
If you play my workday backwards, it`s actually a nice story about idiots getting less and less annoying.
"Have you ever wondered if the $1 bills in your wallet were ever in a stripper butt? - You`re wondering now!!!"