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I do procrastinate more than I should, but it always gives me something to do tomorrow...
Two years ago I became a proud parent. My kid is 6, but they were kind of a pain those first four years.
You can tell yourself that Sesame Street is educational but Cookie Monster has lived there for like 40 years and still can`t conjugate verbs.
What did the Japanese man say to the other Japanese man? Something in Japanese,
If you believe in reincarnation then your tombstone should say “b.r.b” instead of “r.i.p”.
I`ve been holding my stomach in for 3 years now so don`t talk to me about dedication!
I think when a restaurant has "lobster celebration" it is very misleading to the lobster.
Do people who exercise not know about ice cream and Netflix?
I should win an Oscar for acting like I`m busy at work.
In the beginning, God created Heaven and Earth. Everything else was made in China
May your life someday be as awesome as you pretend it is on Facebook.
Listening to the voices in my head, I’ve concluded that they’re having more fun than me.
We`re like hot chocolate and marshmallows. You`re hot, and I wanna be on top of you.
I got carded at the liquor store. While getting my ID out my Blockbuster card fell out. He laughed and said "Never mind."
Sometimes I wish there was a `Build-a-Girlfriend`.