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Maybe I`m the good kind of fat like an avocado.
Lying in bed, listening to the Doors. I really should oil the hinges...
It`s so cold outside I had to put Jack in my Coke to keep it from freezing.
I thought white noise was the sound of people complaining at Starbucks.
You drink too much, swear too much and your morals are questionable. You’re everything I’ve ever wanted in a friend.
Today I found a penny. It reminded me of you. Worthless & found in everybody`s pants.
I can already tell it`s going to be another one of those mornings where I`m not rich and famous.
My bank account is more like a countdown to my homelessness
"Trust your gut" is terrible advice. How can I put trust in something that tells me to eat an entire pizza when I get drunk?
Well aren`t you a f*cking waste of two billion years of evolution.
Step 1: remove food from packaging Step 2: dig packaging out of trash to locate cook time
The key to eating healthy is to avoid any food that has a TV commercial.
Money can’t buy you happiness? Well, poverty can’t buy you anything.
I woke up feeling strange this morning...I felt Rested and Relaxed so I immediately Googled my symptoms. Turns out I had a `Sleep in` Apparently it`s not harmful but may be addictive. . .
The most frustrating thing about watching Nascar is that they never signal