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There’s no excuse for my behavior, so I’m drinking until I have one.
For a minute there, I thought I had just wasted 60 seconds...
I`m really good at using the turkey baster as a sword and getting drunk and not being invited to Thanksgiving anymore.
I should start carrying a pool noodle in my car and randomly smack cars when stuck in traffic
Somebody is out there, somewhere, thinking of the impact you`ve made in their life. It`s not me. I think your an idiot.
Golf would be a lot more fun to watch on TV if the balls were on fire
I love myself everyday. Sometimes, twice a day.
Yesterday I accidentally swallowed a bottle of food coloring. The doctor says I`m OK, but I feel like I`ve dyed a little inside.
Can you imagine being cryogenically frozen and waking up 100 years later? Your hairstyle would be so outdated, how embarrassing.
It`s a bird.. it`s a plane..no wait..it`s a blade of grass....
Smile. It makes people wonder what you´re up to.
How much would you have to pay a teacher to flunk your kid so he has to go to Summer School? Just planning ahead...
The reason swans mate for life is because they don`t talk.
I smile because your my daughter. I laugh because there`s nothing you can do about it. ;)
Sometimes I get mad about having to unload the dishwasher but then I remember a machine just washed my dishes for me.