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Invite me to your wedding . Invite me to go have fun , but please stop inviting me to your farm .
Sometimes I like to go to the hardware store and run around with a screwdriver shouting, "Ladies and gentlemen, this is not a drill!"
The realization you`ve spoken too loudly when you exclaimed: " My Salad had NUTS!"
This town has more white trash in it than a dumpster behind a paper plate factory
Calm down! I`m not officially late until I actually get there.
Why even ask how my weekend was if you’re just going to interrupt me halfway through to say “Yeah, I saw your Facebook post.”
The human body can survive three weeks without food, three days without water but only three hours without wifi.
Please tell me I’m not the only one who opens up their Hershey Kisses ever so gently so that the foil doesn’t tear.
Silence is Golden, unless you`re married.. Then Silence is Suspicious.
Try trick or treating in spandex... I`ve seen how much it can hold.
When I was a kid, I thought quicksand was going to be a much bigger problem than it really is.
I don’t want to think I’m getting old or anything, but all the noises I used to make during sex, I now make getting out of bed.
Somewhere in the world right now, somebody is buying a house based on its potential for great bathroom selfies.
Life is to short ... to waste time matching socks.
People who say you can´t buy happiness just don´t know where to shop.