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It should be standard for wedding invitations to state if there will be an open bar or not.
When I bang my toe against something, it’s like I pressed a button that plays every curse word I know.
I never meant to be so cold, I never meant to be so cold. - Mother nature
Your secret is safe with me as long as it`s boring.
I often wondered what it`d be like to be married to an idiot. I asked my wife and she said you get used to it after a while.
Do you know what sexual position produces the ugliest children? ... Go ask your mother.
I`ll be back before you can pronounce actillimandataquerin altosapaoyabayadoondib ab!
Your selfie would be way better if you weren`t in it.
Ladies, if you want men to look at your face and not your chest, eat a banana.
A girl drinks 4 cosmos over a span of 60 minutes. 25 mins later, she texts 3 of her besties. How many emojis will she use? Show your work.
They don`t even serve apples at Applebee`s. Or bees.
Any machine is a smoke machine if you just use it wrong enough!
If you didn`t want me looking in your bedroom than you never should have put your window at the same height as my ladder.
Great friends never let you do stupid things......alone
I`m broker than the Tooth Fairy in a house full of Meth addicts.