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Kids may be a gift, but I like playing with the box it came in.
I can’t wait to be ashamed of what I do this weekend.
Just checked my Farmville for the first time in 2 years... It`s now a Walmart.
How did the inventor of the clock know what time it was?
If we agree, I`m probably being sarcastic ... Or I`m drunk
Every novel is a mystery novel if you never finish it
1 in 5 bosses will let you leave work early if you claim to have `lady problems` then start crying. It works even better for guys.
I`m not saying your opinion is stupid, I`m just saying you`re stupid for having it
If thought bubbles appeared over our heads, I would get punched in the face a lot more.
Life in the fast lane ? Heck, I live in oncoming traffic.
When people tell me knock knock jokes, I pretend I`m not home.
Rejected Olympic Events: Javelin Catch... Jello Shotput... Border Fencing... Cardboard Boxing... Menstrual Cycling... Salad Tossing... Wrestling Demons...
I`ll be there in a second I just gotta finish writing this letter of apology to a club owner for tearing up his dance floor last night..
I got kicked out of a Yoga class today. Apparently, your not supposed to do the `Downward Dog` on top of another person.
During the holidays people have to make a choice between enjoying the holidays or spending it with the relatives.