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They told me to come here and write something funny, so I`m gonna post my bank account balance: -$4.09
It may look like I’m having really deep thoughts but 99% of the time I’m just thinking about what food I’m going to eat later.
"Probiotic" sounds a lot better than "bacteria infested"
Hiding from people at parties is my cardio.
If a girl texts you and asks if you think she`s fat and you try to respond "Nooo" autocorrect changes it to "Moo" so that`s pretty cool.
Sometimes, in life, all you really need is a lot of money.
Seems like we would be just fine with about half as many types of pasta
Don’t confuse my personality with my attitude. My personality is who I am. My attitude depends on who you are.
Cats have tails so you can swing them around. Duh.
The word "Saturday" has "turd" in it. Good luck trying to ignore that for the rest of your life, starting now.
Being alone with my thoughts can be quite boring unless alcohol is involved
All my life I’ve wanted to learn to juggle. I just never had the balls to do it.
I`ll always be here for you ... Unless we run out of beer, and someone has some over there. Then I`ll be over there for you.
My home security system is just 15 motion-activated Big Mouth Billy Basses.
My goal weight is,"someone give that girl a cheeseburger."