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I have just one word for beautiful women with questionable morals, poor decision making skills and an insatiable sex drive ..."Hi"
When a guy texts a girl “hey stranger”, what he really means is “I’ve recently thought about trying to get in your pants again.”
The only time that my wife screams my name in bed is when I break wind in my sleep.
Not sure if this Adderall is working but I just made a pros and cons list about pros and cons lists.
What`s the lowest IQ someone can have while still being a relatively full functioning adult? My wife wants to know.
STEP 1: Sign up for email newsletter STEP 2: Receive email newsletter STEP 3: Delete unread email newsletter for the rest of your life.
The best part of time travel will be sleeping until noon and making it to work on time at 8am.
I went for a run but came back home after 2 minutes because I forgot something. I forgot that I`m fat and can`t run for more than 2 minutes.
I’m starting to think we as a society may be trying to do too much with the Dorito.
There`s no way to gracefully remove a jacket while wearing a seatbelt...
When people say, "You look familiar," i like to reply with, "Do you watch porn?"
Holy sh*t! Did you guys know Facebook has a "sign out" button?
It’s too bad that it’s easier to get older than it is to get wiser.
I’ve thought about running away as an adult way more than I did as a child.
The problem with some people is that they’re alive.