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Next time you think life`s not fair..think of this x large clothes cost $2 more than large so why doesn`t small cost $2 less ? Being fat ....now that`s unfair
When your girlfriend or wife says "lol have fun", do not have fun. Abort mission. I repeat. Abort mission.
Wait...so the "c-word" isn`t co-worker?
Didn’t have internet on my phone for the past few hours. Finally graduated, got married, lost some weight, read 17 books and showered.
Success is 1% inspiration, 98% perspiration and 2% attention to detail.
I don`t know who you are, but if you don`t stop sending me phone books, I will find you.....and I will smack you with it
I eat tacos over a tortilla so that way when stuff falls out Boom another taco.
Scientists have recently discovered that approximately 2% of Earth`s water at any given time is found on Tupperware containers being removed from the dishwasher
There was a piece of chocolate cake in the fridge and a note “Don’t eat me”.Now there’s an empty plate and a note “Don’t tell me what to do”
I always give my extra money to Charity. She is usually on the main stage around 11pm.
No, I don`t need a Fitbit. I can count to 45 by myself.
If he pauses a video game to text you, he`s probably already losing, no need to feel special or anything,
When girls flash its called, "girls gone wild" when men flash its call ... "America`s most wanted"
Bank called asking if my credit card had been stolen. They were concerned because it hadn`t been used at the liquor store since Friday.
Dear single guys; open a pet shop selling cats. Let the single ladies come to you.