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Its all fun and games until you realize your Capri Sun has no straw.
Million dollar idea: Alarm clock that releases spiders... NOW you`re up.
Don`t cry because it`s over. Smile because your fingerprints aren`t in the database.
When I`m bored I like to call in sick to places I don`t work for. I`m getting written up at Home Depot
Love is a two way street but you have to be careful because women can’t drive.
The average power nap is 20 minutes. This works out well because I can fit 3 of them evenly into one hour.
The world would be a better place if we all got along like the "Price is Right" audience.
Half of me is a hopeless romantic. And the other half of me is, well, an asshole.
Girl rule. A girl will only compliment another girl that is uglier than they are.
If you smell Axe body spray on your lawyer,, you`re going to jail.
When someone is murdered, they always investigate the spouse 1st. And that pretty much tells you everything you need to know about marriage.
If Guys Wrote Valentine’s Cards: “I don’t even need beer to think you’re attractive.”
Turns out a crash diet doesn`t mean having vodka with every meal and falling down the stairs at noon!
You know you’re a mom, when someone says they have a stomach ache and you ask if they pooped today.
I’m not always rude. Sometimes I’m sleeping.