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Everyone around me keeps telling me I`m mean ... Which is absurd ... Plus, they`re ugly.
I think the next Star Wars movie should go Country! I would be excited to see Garth Vader.........
After watching copious amounts of crime dramas I`ve come to the conclusion that serial killers only target women who wear matching bra and pantie sets. Feeling much safer now.
My Bills are so big that I have to call them William now.
Alcohol. Because who really wants to remember last night?
I have no problem admitting that you made a mistake.
Ermegerd! I WON EMPLOYEE OF THE MONTH!!!!! Again! I love being self employed..
“True beauty is within” for example opening your fridge.
Relationships always start out as "You`re smart and funny." and end up as "You think you know everything and it`s all a joke to you!"
I don`t know why I think I could survive the Zombie Apocalypse, I cant even handle the puff of air at the eye doctor.
I know I don`t look like it but I`m really good looking!
I just found a whip, a mask and handcuffs in my mom’s bedroom. I can’t believe it.. She’s a superhero!
When you are dead, you don`t know you are dead. It`s pain only for others. It`s the same thing when you are stupid.
Wait, whaddya mean... cookie dough can be baked? Seriously?
I don`t blame Congress. If I had $600 billion, I`d be irresponsible too.