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If you think you`re bad with words, imagine the first guy to say "There there" when consoling someone
I learned how to kiss passionately by practicing on my hand, but now it just uses me for sex.
Could you guys just scroll a little? I was really funny yesterday.
I may not have great parenting skills, but in my defense the kids don`t have great childing skills either.
I DON`T UNDERSTAND IT! WHY THE F*CK WOULD SOMEBODY BREAK INTO A HOUSE JUST TO STEAL A REMOTE CON - Never mind, I found it.
Sunglasses: I don’t want to make awkward eye contact with certain people.
I bet Batman`s cape gets stuck in the car door more times than he admits.
I just awesomed all over the place.
My sleep number is 151 ... Bacardi 151
If anyone could do it, it wouldn`t be called PROcrastination.
I`ve officially reached the point in my life where the trash goes out on Friday nights way more often than I do.
No matter how many lives you have in Candy Crush, you’ll still never get your own back.
I made this margarita with my kids` slushie machine ... Don`t judge
Dieting Tip, 1. Make a list of people who have a problem with your weight, 2. Cut them out of your life. 3. Enjoy having lost Hundreds of pounds of Idiots.
Remember when you thought you’d have it all together by the time you were the age you are now? LOL