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People always get so excited about the next generation iPhone but no one has caught up with the awesome technology that`s called a Turn Signal.
Doctor: How`s your headache? Patient: She`s out of town.
I feel like a piece of corn in the digestive tract of life ~ I`m going through a lot of crap but I`m sure I`ll come out whole.
Tomorrow the world shall be ours! Until then, good night my evil minions!!
For once I`d like to see "It`s been a crappy year, mainly cause your were part of it"
Every Scooby-Doo episode would literally be two minutes long if the gang went to the mask store first and asked a few questions.
Just saw a coyote next to the highway. I hope this tunnel ahead isn`t just painted on.
Cheers to alcohol! The cause of, and solution, to all of life’s problems!
I checked into a hotel this weekend. I told the girl I hoped the porn channel was disabled. She said "No, its just regular porn, you sicko"
Who did you vote for?? Clinton ? Trump ? Vodka
It`s always so awkward ending phone calls with loved ones, I always say "I love you" and they`re like, "thank you for choosing domino`s"
For a guy who makes as many bad decisions as I do, I feel like I should be having more fun.
If other employees are taking four fifteen minutes smoke break a day, I should most certainly be allowed a one hour nap time.
I wonder if Monday can see my middle finger from here?
Good news everyone – my proctologist called and all the tests were negative. Bad news - his ring is missing...