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I hear Internet Explorer 10 is going to allow you to download and install Firefox up to three times faster.
I think I`m gonna take a hot shower. Its like a normal shower, but with me in it.
I once got a ride home from the pizza guy by ordering 1 pizza to be delivered to the bar and 1 to my house. Pretty sure i deserve an award.
My worst fear is seeing one of my statuses marked as "exhibit A"
Thank goodness I`m loud and obnoxious all the time, so my family can`t blame it on the alcohol.
I eat cake every day because I know somewhere out there, it`s someone`s birthday and I need to show respect.
Somebody is out there, somewhere, thinking of the impact you`ve made in their life. It`s not me. I think your an idiot.
My doctor says each piece of bacon takes 9 minutes off your life... If my math is right, I should`ve died in 1781...
It would be a lot easier to drink the recommended 64oz of water a day if it was beer.
When people tell me that I’ve changed, I want to shake them and tell them: “And so should you!”
50% of people believe sex is "the connecting of two people`s souls through two people`s bodies, as one." The other 50% are men.
Its almost that time again! That`s right, its holiday season! Merry Black Friday sales, and happy spending!
10 times out of 9, you’ll find me exaggerating about something
Women are like bacon: they look good, they smell good, they taste good, and they will slowly kill you
My biggest problem is that I believe almost everything I tell myself.