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A lot of people are very competitive when playing stupid.
Don`t judge if you don`t know me. Unless you`re my bartender & you say "This guy looks like he needs another double vodka martini" then please do..
I just watched a puppy do something really cute. It was like a real life YouTube video.
A computer losing its internet access is the equivalent of a car running out of gas, both become useless.
The only way I`m coming to your wedding is if you get Me a gift. You just found lifelong love, I think I deserve a blender more than you do.
It`s amazing how many pedestrians confuse right-of-way with immortality.
Siblings – the only people who will pick on you and then kick the a$$es of anyone else who does it.
I don’t understand shark movies I mean just get out of the water.
Can you do me a favour? Stand in front of my car, I need to test my brakes.
Friends don’t let friends twerk.
My “I hate you” face must look a lot like my “I’m loving this conversation” face.
“Make it rain” is the only appropriate response when asked if you want freshly grated parmesan.
If you read my entire Facebook timeline from the beginning, you can witness my descent into madness
Keep up the good work, people who make free porn available.
If I had a penny for everytime I heard you bitch at me I`d have enough money to invest in a hitman