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She might be ugly now, but wait a few more drinks.
Always crush and snort your first pill on the pharmacy counter to make sure they`re not passing you some fake sh!t.
They say in the near future computers will become more intelligent than people, really, the near future? I walk down the street and see girls who struggle with the difference between orange and tanned, guys who have no idea how a belt works, and all of them with less language skills then the average trained chimp. Computers? Hell I’ve got an alarm clock that’s smarter than most of them right now.
People: What a bunch of bastards!
If I owned an auto collision shop, I’d name it “Auto Correct.”
I want to grow my own food but I can`t find any bacon seeds.
WTF, I feel like I pay these bills every month.
When I say “wow, that’s crazy”, 99 percent of the time, it means I haven’t been listening to a word of your conversation.
My wife is a sex object. Every time I want to have sex, she’ll object.
Life Tip: Get a birthday card with anything you are embarrassed to buy.
I sold my house this week. I got a pretty good price for it, but it made my landlord mad as hell.
Your baby has no idea that you threw him a 1st birthday party. All you did was inconvenience your friends.
I can’t believe that all these “single ladies in my area” want to meet me, must be due to all the “free Ipads” I’ve been winning.
The only time that my wife screams my name in bed is when I fart in my sleep.
Well, well, well. Guess who the grocery store asked to come back soon.