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Cannibals don`t drink coffee ... They have a cup of Joe instead.
Say what you want about Kim and Kanye naming their daughter North West. That kid is headed straight to the top. And slightly to the left.
I hate crickets in my house.....except for the one I just killed. He seems ok.
Caterpillars have the ideal life. They eat a lot and then sleep for a while and wake up beautiful.
Saw a flying saucer today. It appeared right after the flying cup that my wife threw at me.
I`m a multi-taking procrastinator. I can put off all kinds of things all at once.
If someone tells you `I love you` but you don`t feel the same way and don`t wanna make it awkward just say `I love YouTube` really fast
Can I have your number or do you just want the 8 dollars for the drink?
To Do List: 1: Buy a knife 2: Call it kindness 3: Kill people with Kindness
If you`re in WalMart and you`re holding in a fart, just remember, YOU`RE IN WALMART!!
I bet jellyfish are sad that there are no peanut butter fish ... I`m not even high.
Half of my life has been spent hoping people don’t see me.
"That`s too much bacon." -Nobody ever
I like people the most when I`m by myself.
I did a terrible job preparing for my Blue Man Group audition and boy is my face red