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Looks like I won`t be updating my status today...
Why do people who insult themselves get mad when you agree with them?
I was addicted to the Hokey Pokey but I turned myself around.
I’ll drink responsibly when there is a brand of vodka named Responsibly.
Don`t cry because it`s over, smile because you have incriminating evidence.
“Shh.. Do you hear that?” “What? I heard nothing.” “Exactly, it’s the sound of no one caring.”
The New iPhone 7 is coming out in August. If you want a sneak peek of the new iPhone. Take a look at your current iPhone and pretend it cost 200 dollars more.
Home: Where I can look ugly and enjoy it.
Why are there never any good side effects? Just once I`d like to read a medication bottle that says, "May cause extreme sexiness".
I got so drunk last night I tried picking up every woman in the bar and now my back is killing me!
You got your chocolate in my peanut butter!
A hypnotist is just someone that tries to roofie you with jazz hands.
It`s awkward when I have to pull someone aside and point out that my fly is open.
The fact that this peanut butter jar states that it "Contains Peanuts" makes me extremely nervous for the human race.
If stress burned calories, I’d be a super model.