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3 shots of vodka can erase 8 hours of rage in 15 minutes. That’s all the math you really need to know.
Remember way back when the only thing that was annoying on your feed were game requests?
When choosing a ring tone, always ask yourself, "How embarrassed will I be when this rings in public?"
Christmas is just like any other day in the workplace, you work your butt off and the fat guy with a suit gets all the credit.
If she asks what the weight limit is on your ceiling fan.... She`s a keeper!
is frickin awesome! Nough Said.
Is everything expensive or am I just poor?
That awkward moment when u start telling a story only to realise no one is listening so you slowly fade out and pretend to have said nothing.
I wish I had my own private chauffeur. . . . Then I could really commit to being an alcoholic!
Are you supposed to wear the fanny pack over the gut or underneath it? I don`t want to look like a dork.
Sometimes I just go on Facebook to see who has been dumped and who is pregnant.
I think they put less beers in twelve packs these days.
Does swimming in debt count as cardio?
Dear human, you get mad when i wake you up and also get mad when i dont. Sincerely confused, Alarm Clock.
I feel like we really lowered our expectations of what constitutes magic when we began using it to describe markers