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I wasn`t even going for broke. But I got it!
I`m just a few smartphone apps away from never having to talk to anyone again.
Exercise? More like extra fries.
There were only 3 commandments until Moses’ wife got involved.
My most frequent walk of shame is from one bathroom to the other with the plunger
Not to brag, but I don`t even need alcohol to make really bad decisions.
I get a little nervous eating cucumber in a single woman`s home.
I have the rest of my life to be an adult.
I`m outdoorsy in that I like getting drunk on patios.
How many divorced guys does it take to change a lightbulb?...........Who cares, they NEVER get the house anyways
I think the Discovery Channel should be on a different channel every day.
Tip Of The Week: When going through airport customs and you are asked “do you have any firearms with you?” do not reply “what do you need?”
Many people quit looking for work when they find a job.
Alarm Clock(n): An evil device invented by Satan to disrupt the peaceful sleep of otherwise happy folks at a predetermined hour.
If your friends tell you not to give in to peer pressure and you don`t: technically, you did