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I have decided to stop doing things "Like a Boss" and will now do things "Like a Rhinestone Cowboy."
I keep forgetting how bad my memory has become..
Unsettling sounds #23 - Ice-cream van after dark
My hand is stuck in a Pringles can. I`ll just leave it there. I`m not hiding who I am anymore.
My most frequent walk of shame is from one bathroom to the other with the plunger
I commend any woman for going into labor outside a hospital setting. If I have to poop anywhere besides my own bathroom I go into panic mode
I’m quite confident that the reason I’m single is because I didn’t forward that chain letter in 2003.
Who invented the brush they put next to the toilet? That thing hurts!
I`m just gonna let my pillow decide my hairstyle for tomorrow.
May your life one day be as awesome as you pretend it is on Facebook.
Irony. The opposite of wrinkly.
When my dog sniffs another dog’s poop I can only assume that it’s their equivalent to checking a friend’s facebook page.
If you would`ve told me back in 1999 that we`d still be using animated gifs in 2015, I would`ve said "Wow, what a boring conversation"
Those "Speed Enforced by Aircraft" signs don`t understand how eager I am to get pulled over by an F-16.
Sorry I had to cancel for the 5th time in a row, I thought you would stop inviting me by now.