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My resume is really just a list of all the things I never want to do again.
I don’t mean to alarm you but you know those people in your office that can’t work the fax machine? They’re driving home on the same roads.
I’m glad you’re learning to laugh at yourself. That was kind of getting awkward for the rest of us.
Can we just stop with the pre-sliced cheese? Is anyone so busy that they don’t have time to cut the cheese?
It`s tax season. Anyone have some spare kids?
Do you guys know there are "actual" people out there that don`t have a Facebook account? What the hell do they do all day?
I tried my best to see things from your point a view, but your point of view is stupid.
Sometimes, when people are talking to me, I daydream about what they would do if I suddenly punched them in the face.
I don`t blame Monday. I blame Saturday for not matching my Powerball numbers
I don`t let my friends do stupid things... ALONE
To all my friends who sent me best wishes for 2013, for 2014 could you please send money, alcohol or petrol vouchers…Cheers!
It`s really cold out there folks. If you`re heading to Wal-Mart, please wear two pairs of pajamas.
Next time you ride on a roller coaster, take some spare bolts with you and just as it starts to move, tap the person in front of you and say, "these just fell out of your seat."
I didn`t come here to make friends. I go to the cat shelter for that.
Of all the advice given to me over the years, “There really is no bad time for a beer” has proved to be the most helpful.