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I`ve eaten enough chinese food in my day that my fortune cookies have started to contradict one another
The part of “no” that I don’t understand is the part where I don’t get what I want.
It`s so cold outside I just saw a teenager with his pants pulled all the way up!
I knew the Psychic was no good the moment she accepted my check
You should see the sh!t I don`t post.
Why does `beans` only mean secret when it`s "Don`t spill the beans?" Why can`t I say I have a dirty little beans to tell you?
Not remembering where I set my drink down must be the same feeling parents have when they lose their four year old at the mall.
I didn`t see anyone important today so I`m going to wear the same clothes tomorrow.
I guarantee there`s a pregnant teenager somewhere who thinks `Ebola` would be a lovely name for their child.
Divorce: Step 1: She throws all your sh!t in the street Step 2: The judge says you have to give it all back to her.
Facebook posts with 12 hashtags, who the f*ck are you trying to reach?
The female praying mantis devours the male within minutes after mating, while the female human prefers to stretch it out over a lifetime.
FACT: There’s always room for another cupcake.
I guess the teachers went back to school. The bar was nearly empty this morning.
I`m not the kind of guy to distance himself from anything... Far from it.