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I`ve single handedly defeated my erection.
This is the third time someone in Liam Neeson`s family has been abducted, they really need to stop leaving the house.
To the teenager that flipped me off for honking at you. Your phone is on top of your car.
Here hold my dignity, I`ve got some sketchy shit to do.
I like wearing glasses because I like to dramatically remove them before I say something profound. Doing that with contacts doesn`t have the same effect.
I do not argue, I explain why I’m right.
"Bros before hoes" is something a bro without a hoe would say.
Congratulations India on successfully orbiting a probe around Mars. I assume you`ll be opening call centers on the red planet and using fake Martian names now?
What happens when Batman sees Catwoman? The Dark Knight Rises.
I`ve been baptized five times this week in five different churches. I wish the landlord would hurry up and fix my shower.
Can you imagine if Facebook and Twitter just decided to shut down and you see all these confused people coming out of their house squinting at the sun.
Never change. Unless you’re an a$$hole. Then you should probably change a little.
Wondering if my heart is healthy enough for sex ... volunteers needed.
The iPad: Because the iPhone was too small for other people to notice you.
Note to self: the wife does not want an `exercise pole`.