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I wear a cape when I`m driving so if I get pulled over the cop will think I`m going somewhere to fight crime.
Nothing is more dangerous than a woman “gathering her thoughts”.
Nothing says "high-functioning alcoholic" like being really good at darts.
Heat causes things to expand, so I`m not fat; I`m just hot.
A man in front of me at Walmart is buying a pregnancy test. I bet this is the one time in his life he wishes she had sent him for tampons!
How long have I been working here? ... Ever since they threatened to fire me.
You know what would make my cubicle super cute? Fire.
You know you`re fat when you run out of breath eating.
The hardest part about going through a divorce is finding a hitman you can trust.
I spent yesterday painting some kickass flames on a car. I bet whoever owns it was stoked when they came out of the mall.
Just saw someone eat a kit kat bar without breaking off each individual piece and now I can`t stop twitching.
I was born at a very early age.
I just watched Back to the Future Part II and not once did I see a person walking around staring at their smartphone.
My advise to all the young people out there, "Do not grow up; it`s a trap!!"
Facebook stalking? BAH! In my day, we used to root through people`s garbage.