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Apparently there`s enough room in my mouth to put more than one foot.
Don`t tell me I have to say "Happy Holidays" so nobody gets offended. I will "Merry Christmas" the sh!t out of you.
If you can’t laugh at yourself, call me… I’ll do it.
Thank God I still have 20 days to achieve my goal of "going to the gym in 2013."
People who say 45 minutes past the hour must be the same ones who have kids 89 and 63 month olds
Unwritten Rule of the Day: Don´t make eye contact while eating a banana.
If people in horror movies listened to me, they would still be alive.
It`s like the people in this restroom don`t even want my help unbuttoning their pants. STOP RUNNING AWAY I JUST WANT TO HELP YOU
I`ll see your fun outdoor activity and raise you a nap.
I want to get a welcome mat for my front door that just says "Text Me"
I give up on life! I have better luck playing Monopoly...or Clue...
I sneak alcohol into work because I`m a problem solver.
Imagine my disappointment when I discovered a "Booby Prize" really wasn`t boobies at all...:(
If you play my workday backwards, it`s actually a nice story about idiots getting less and less annoying.
I Just bought a Ken doll. I don`t know what everyone`s talking about, you can`t read books on this thing