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We live in a society that’s the most knowledgeable about a zombie apocalypse, but the most likely to be eaten while staring at our phones.
My girlfriend thinks I`m a stalker. ..well, she`s not exactly my girlfriend yet..
I try to avoid picking up turtles on the side of the road. Just in case they are in the middle of a race.
Sorry I was staring at your nachos while you were talking about your painful divorce
Convincing my dog I really threw the ball is the closest I’ll ever get to being a magician.
Put on my workout clothes before going to the donut store just to give the impression I earned this.
My Boss requested me on facebook. I was like "pssst". If only he knew all the sh*t I post about his ugly @$$.
Nice meeting you, but I forgot your name as soon as you said it...
I`m no auto mechanic but I`m pretty good at letting people who drive behind me know whether or not they need new brakes
I`m flattered that you took time out from your lack of a life to judge mine.
What do bats eat that makes their sh!t our standard for crazy?
Hopefully because of social networking, I`ve tarnished my reputation enough for anybody to ever place me in a role of great responsibility.
Sweat pants & Uggs in public says "and I didn`t brush my teeth, either."
Apparently I misunderstood it when I was told to "expose yourself to other cultures."
Just backed into a Jaguar but I left him a note on my bank statement so he knows not to bother calling