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"The more the merrier!" usually means "oh, you overheard us making those plans, huh?"
I`m sticking to my guns ... I really should have washed my hands after I ate.
Nobody wants to know your diet. So shut up, eat your lettuce and be sad.
"Teeter Totter" is the silliest name for toddler catapults.
I`m not drunk ... But I`m working on it.
Sometimes I get in this weird mood where I find everyone annoying. But it only happens when I’m awake.
I`m an optimist. To me, the glass is always half alcohol.
The secret of enjoying a good wine: 1) Open the bottle to allow it breathe. 2) If it does not look like it`s breathing, give it mouth-to-mouth.
Map Quest really needs to start their directions on # 5. I`m pretty sure I know how to get out of my neighborhood.
yes I have a dirty mind, and yes you are in it...
you know it`s a good fart when it wakes you from a dead sleep and you pull a butt muscle at the same time.
I get paid to be nice at work. Not sure why my family and friends expect that for free.
Truthfully, I`d like you all a whole lot better if you were bacon.
Fun Prank: Put $1000 in an envelope and mail it to me.
Here is a thought for all you mind readers out there…