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I may not be the best looking, wittiest, smartest or even the most successful person. I forget where I was going with this...
Relationship status: Don`t tell me to calm down! You called a stormtrooper a robot!
Remember that there’s always someone cooler, smarter, stronger or prettier than you. That would be me.
If you use karate instead of a knife your wife won`t ask you to cut the vegetables anymore
I`m at my neighbor`s house having a delicious dinner. Hope I finish before they get home.
I slept like a rock last night, meaning I woke up in the flower bed with the house key under my belly.
When you can no long help someone, I can - said the coroner.
Well, it`s almost the end of the year. No point in trying to become a good person this late in the game.
This jar of peanut butter says "may contain nuts" on it. Remember when survival of the fittest was a thing? Good times.
The song "Take me out to the Ballgame" is sung almost exclusively by people who are already at a ballgame.
You know there was a time in my life where I just didn`t give a f#ck.....funny how it seems that much hasn`t changed from an hour ago!!
Ladies, I hate to break this to you, but curves and rolls are not the same thing.
i like boobs
People go to the bar hoping for 2 things...to get hammered or to get nailed.
Sorry, I didn’t mean to text you a graphic description of my explosive diarrhea. Stupid autocorrect.