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I wish the "Do not ask me again" option existed in real life.
Is it a firm rule that you have to be an addict to check into rehab? Because that one in Malibu looks pretty nice.
Things I`ve learned: There`s no cool way to chase after a bouncing ping-pong ball.
If you`ve ever watched a butcher wrap pork chops, you`ve seen me wrapping Christmas presents.
I`m sick to death of these letters from the City of College Station bullying me to mow my grass! If Walmat can prepare for Christmas 3 mths in advance why can`t I do the same for Easter!!!??
I`m home by myself this evening. My wife is out at Kohl`s buying another load of laundry.
One day you will die, but every other day you won’t. So that’s pretty great, right? ... Inspirational posts are hard.
Tip to get out of jury duty: Begin every answer with “According to the prophecy.”
My Hamster passed today, he fell asleep at the wheel.
Could you imagine if guys commented on their guy friends` profiles the way girls do? "Bro, you look so handsome" "Looking hot, man!" "OMG, your jawline is cray" "Ugh, how are you this perfect dude? I`m jelly" "sexy much?!"
I can`t believe we made a movie that is essentially giving the apes a blueprint on how to take over the Earth.
Is Google a boy or a girl? Obviously it`s a girl because it won`t let you finish your sentence without suggesting other ideas
I started drinking a little early. Yesterday, to be more precise.
Just tried to put my seatbelt on ... at my desk ... I`m pretty.
Due to political correctness issues, "Krazy Glue" will now be known as "Mental Disorder Glue."