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Occasionally, I like to agree with a man just to watch the look of fear, confusion and nervous-anxiety.
Partying on my level requires years of training.
Just found out that I’m 53 Cheetos tall.
As the day goes on, coworkers start appearing more flammable.
Folding laundry with a toddler is like trying to straighten a desk full of papers while a fan blows on it.
The problem with the world is that the intelligent people are full of doubts while the stupid ones are full of confidence.
"are you as bored as I am?" if you read that backwards, it still makes sense.
If it hurts you more than it hurts them, you’re probably holding the taser wrong.
Just how hairy was the dude who invented a shampoo called Head & Shoulders?
I love Christmas presents wrapped in bubble wrap... it`s like two gifts in one!!
I’m pretty sure I could start a new life with only the crap in my car.
"Be strong" I whisper to my coffee.
If I keep hitting the treadmill like I do every night, in a few weeks maybe I`ll learn to turn on the light when I get up to pee in the dark
How about this for lazy: I`m letting the NSA take all my selfies for me.
Paperclips: The staple for people with commitment issues.