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I can`t wait to get one of those self-driving cars to watch my wife argue with it.
I just told my brother he was adopted, his response was, "At least they picked me"
The only thing wrong with eary mornings is being awake.
When people sit in front of me at the movies. I make a loud fart sound so they quickly move to get away from me.
I have been tagged and poked so many times today, I may not be able to walk tomorrow.
Don`t cry because it`s over, smile because you have incriminating evidence.
All shoes are technically buy one get one free...
The problem with diets is pizza.
I roasted a turkey today, but I don`t think he got the jokes.
Do whatever you want, and if it`s something you`re going to regret in the morning, sleep late.
We must STOP the driver of that bus that everyone keeps getting thrown under!
Get ahead of myself. Sometimes I
Like a glow stick, sometimes we have to break before we shine.
There is only one thing I hate more than lying: skim milk. Which is water lying about being milk.
Friends are like slinkys, they are twisted as heck but you can`t help but laugh when they fall down the stairs.