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Ladies, not every guy who talks to you wants to bang you. Some of us know that you have booze and snacks in your purse.
Technically, it isn`t pre-marital sex if you have no intention of getting married.
When my wife picks a restaraunt that I don’t like, I just say “oh yeah, that’s where that really cute girl works”. Problem solved.
I would die if I had to stop exaggerating.
I`m gonna surprise my hand with some sex tonight!
"Rise and shine” is probably the most depressing thing a shoeshiner hears in the morning.
"You drive me to drink!!!" ~Me shouting to the taxi driver.
I love sleep ... it’s like a Time Machine to Breakfast.
What is Warm, Soft, Sticky and has a Hole in the middle? It`s a Fresh donut. I was way off on that one!
My mom likes playing this game called `yell from four rooms away and get upset when I can`t hear her`.
I`ve had this ant farm for a year now and these lazy bastards still haven`t grown any crops.
The most frightening thing about nightmares is realizing that they were created by your mind.
I tried yoga and I think my downward dog looked more like winnie the pooh getting stuck in rabbit`s door.
Today is boozeday, I mean Tuesday...same difference!
A fear of mine is a proctologist with poor depth perception!