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My wife just said we should have another baby. I hope she didn`t mean together.
Life is too short to be angry and hold grudges. Just slap them in the face and move on!
I once found a whip, a mask, a baton and handcuffs in my Mother-in-Law`s draw... who knew she was a superhero. Nice!!!
With everything going on lately... I`ve got a lot of serious thinking to do! Oops....Did I say "Thinking".... I meant "Drinking"!!
Netflix is soo much better than going out and pretending to like people.
Fun thing to do: Go to a parking lot and put sticky notes on peoples cars saying "sorry for the damage" and watch them look for it
Today is the first day of the rest of your life, but so was yesterday, and look how that turned out...
If you are willing to date an ex, it means that you`re backwards compatible.
I’m “had to actually call a girl on the home phone to ask her out while hoping my mom didn’t pick up and start dialing” years old.
Euphoria....the feeling you get when you finally beat "that" level on Candy Crush.
I`m high as a kite! Let me rephrase that: I`m stuck in a tree.
The girl at the Taco Bell drive thru gave me this “I know your high” look. I snatched my 37 crunchy tacos and got out of there.
Made the decision that I`m done having kids. Yet every morning I wake up and there they are asking me for breakfast.
Whenever I hear someone say “STOP” my brain says “Hammer Time”
I think germs are so nice for waiting 5 seconds before attacking food that falls on the floor.