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Mosquito (noun) - Mother Nature`s way of getting you to slap yourself.
A woman at my gym has a jellyfish tattoo on her arm ... So I peed on her
My mother never saw the irony in calling me a son-of-a-bitch.
Apparently you have to go to the gym more than once to get in shape, what the heck.
You never hear skinny people saying, "I`m just small boned."
Every once in a while I check up on people I hate to make sure I still hate them… I do.
My Ex updated her status to "standing on the edge of a cliff" So I "poked" her!
I don`t think my neighbor knows my rule about not interacting unless we`re both pointing at the same tornado.
It’s called “Karma” and it’s pronounced “Haha, f*ck you!”.
If you can afford a gym membership, you can afford deodorant.
Porn is a lot like yoga pants. Not everybody should be in them.
Don`t Follow Me, I`m Lost Too
I`m not feeling myself today..... Perhaps I should feel someone else.
My wife is great at multitasking. She can be mad at me for five different things at the same time.
I purposely cry while cutting carrots so onions don`t think they`re ugly or something.