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Do you ever have the urge to tell someone to shut up even when they aren`t talking?
When you go to buy fire insurance for your house, don`t tell them you need it by a certain date.
All the women moaning about finding a husband obviously never had one.
It is kinda at the point where everything in my life is a movie reference
At first it was "Okay" and then "ok" and now "k" and soon it will disappear and you`ll all regret it
While most people are becoming older and wiser, I´m becoming older and better at making stuff up as I go along.
I hate waiting in lines. I wish this woman would hurry up and pick a suspect.
It’s that time of the evening where my beer bottle has magically turned into a microphone again.
When someone tells me I`m going to hell, I`m like "yeah, duh, I work there part time as a tour guide!"
The Fourth of July was an annual reminder of how useless my dog would be in a war.?
I’d drink a lot less alcohol if a lot less alcohol got me drunk.
A small child called 911 upon seeing a zebra because he thought a horse escaped from jail
A young man gets sent to jail,and gets put into a jail cell with a convict the size of the Incredible Hulk. After lights out, he hears a whisper from the top bunk."Let`s play Mommy and Daddy. Who do you wanna be?" Thinking quick, the man says "daddy." "Then come up here and suck Mommy`s d!ck."
According to this BMI chart ... I am to short.
The next person that tells me I have no shame…probably knows me pretty darn well.