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Sometimes, you can just tell it`s gonna be a "does not play well with others" kind of day.
Whenever someone tries to get too friendly with me, I like to call them by the wrong name to remind them of where we stand.
I am so thankful for all the people that aren`t in my life.
Ugly people who live in glass houses…shouldn`t live in glass houses.
My GPS is basically just one more woman in my life who I turn on and then ignore.
Legos are practice for when you get older & buy Ikea furniture
I`m awkward when people compliment me. "Nice hair" "Thanks, I grew it myself"
Why do people say "nice to meet you" before I`ve even said anything? How do you know it`s nice to meet me? I`m an a$$hole.
If you don’t count any of my failures, I’m quite successful.
Every snack you make, every meal you bake, every bite you take, I`ll be watching you. - Dog
FACT: The higher pitched my "hey!" the greater the chance I don`t remember who you are.
It`s impossible to bring up life insurance with your spouse without it seeming like you plan to have them whacked.
Garage sales are the gateway drug to Walmart.
Best part of living alone...clothing optional ;)
American Sniper proves that not even being in an active war zone will prevent your spouse from calling you at work.