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I dream of a better world where chickens can cross the road and not have their motives questioned.
i love you with all my butt. i would say heart but my butt is bigger :)
Some idiots actually sold their homes and properties thinking the world was really going to end! What losers. I hope my boss gives me my job back on Monday
Its not you, it`s how you don`t make me sandwiches.
Pirates that used X to mark the spot were stupid. If they had used a G, nobody would ever have found their treasure.
Sometimes it’s just better to buy new Tupperware than to risk opening the leftovers.
It’s not real love unless you leave your phone in plain sight overnight.
I super glue one jar of pickles shut and leave it out at the barbecue then watch the humiliation unfold.
Why go to a public pool when strangers on Craigslist will pee on you for free
How does anything ever get done at the bubble wrap factory?
They`ve been farting with my facebook again. It`s like the old days when the the girl you woke up with wasn`t the one you went to bed with.
Nothing says "I`ve already given up on this day" quite like a Taco Bell breakfast.
Men use love to get sex. Women use sex to get love. I use coupons to get pizza.
Being a parent means often saying your child is shy rather than "he sees how creepy u are, that`s why he doesn`t want to shake your hand".
I always look out for #1 ... unless I`m walking thru my yard, then I look out for #2