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You`re uglier than..... well, you`re the example.
Surgery beds are basically cutting boards for humans.
Just joined the support group Hokey Pokey Anonymous ... A place to turn yourself around. ;)
Doing the moonwalk is the only way to look cool while wiping dog crap off your shoes.
I think the golden rule for men should be, don’t say anything to a woman at work that you wouldn’t want another man to say to you in prison.
As long as there is an open textbook in front of you, nobody will question what you are doing on your laptop.
Dodgeball, but with random people who don`t know that they are playing..............
If you respond to coworkers asking how your weekend was with turkey noises, they leave you alone.
I’m an organ donor, but I’m pretty sure all they’re going to use is my liver for “after” photos.
Funny how people get all angry when you break something of theirs that they don`t ever use. Like turn signals with a baseball bat.
Just made eye contact with a guy while licking my lips ... I think I need to kill him now.
Was up all night wondering, why do people compliment me for having all my sh!t together & yet still insult me for being full of it?
When someone rings the doorbell, why do dogs always assume it’s for them?
I want to get a welcome mat for my front door that just says "Text Me"
I haven’t lived paycheck to paycheck since my last paycheck.