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You call the shots. I`ll drink them.
I only change the kitty litter like once every two weeks but in my defense I don`t have a cat
Your kid is running around the store screaming at the top of his lungs annoying everyone and I`m the a$$hole for tripping him?
How many different animals did we have to jump on the backs of before we discovered horses were cool with it?
Anybody know where the cheapest place to buy 12 red roses is?.....just asking for a friend.
I hate it when I’m singing along to a song, and the artist gets it wrong.
Dear Toilet Paper Makers, We`ve all unexpectedly run out at some point. Please make the tube in the center softer. Thank you...
Surgery is just stabbing someone to life.
I`m sorry, I`ll be busy this weekend walking around my house with mini alcohol bottles and fun size candy bars pretending I`m a giant.
If spiders ever come to the realization that people are terrified of them, we`re f*cked.
I know that somewhere in the Universe exists my perfect soul mate, but looking for her is much more difficult than just staying at home and ordering another pizza.
I like when people call me "Sir". I just wish they wouldn`t follow it up with "you`re making a scene."
Confession #156: I always prepare myself before stepping on the escalator
Being clean and sober means i’ve showered and am heading to the liquor store.
And remember friends, condoms aren`t always protective....my friend was wearing one and he fell down the stairs