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To understand paranoid people better, follow them around
I wish people would consult me before trying to insult me, because I could help them come up with a much better one.
I inboxed a girl on Facebook and she never replied. I guess you could say we`re `seen` each other.
PRINCIPAL: are you the new english teacher? TEACHER: yes i are.
I just gave my ex a big hug which can only mean one thing. That`s right I have the flu and I love sharing.
Teenage girls hang out in odd numbered groups because they literally can`t even.
Be careful, there is also plenty of mentally unstable fish in the sea.
I ran into a hot guy at the grocery store last week and he hasn`t tracked me down and proposed to me yet. This is why I hate movies.
Nothing is more discouraging that unappreciated sarcasm.
The sound of children laughing makes me happy. Unless I`m home alone and my power goes out.
If someone throws a rock at you, throw a flower back at them, but, make sure the flower is still in the pot..
You can get super human strength when put in life or death situations. Last night I uncorked a bottle of wine with my teeth during a tantrum...
Thank God I still have a few days left to achieve my goal of “going to the gym in 2014.”
I don`t think I have enough money to find long everlasting love.
Home is where the alcohol is.