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3 things I will never understand: 1. The meaning of life. 2. The universe. 3. How Spongebob & Patrick made those sounds effects in that box.
I joined weight watchers last month, so far I lost 38 dollars...
I only drink alcohol because there aren`t enough ways to eat it.
I love hearing rumors about me...that`s how I find out what I`ve been doing.
Hi, im _____ but you could call me sexy.
If I get an e-mail from you that says "Sent from my Blackberry" at the bottom, please understand that I`m not going to respond. I can only assume that you sent it in 2006.
In order to get my teenagers attention I shut off the WiFi router and wait for them in the room it`s in.
If you lack motivation, get on treadmill naked in front of mirror.
Win every argument simply by repeating your opponent`s last sentence in a whiny voice.
I don’t need your attitude. The voices in my head are enough
I hate when I explain how awesome I am to someone and they pretend to not be impressed.
It`s always awkward ending phone calls with loved ones. I always say, "I love you" and they`re like, "thank you for choosing Domino`s."
In the interest of improving the workplace, my company has put up signs that say: CAUTION. OPEN DOORS SLOWLY ... My best time so far is 7 min.
If you’re telling me to relax, it’s probably your fault that I’m not.
When I finish eating something I have to show my hands to the dog like I`m a blackjack dealer...