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Watching someone else play a video game is like watching someone who won`t let you join in while they`re masturbating.
The adult version of Operation is trying not to break a tortilla chip while dipping it into a jar of salsa.
Some days, the supply of available curse words is insufficient to meet my demands!
When I was your age, we had to walk 10 miles in the snow to get drunk and have s€x.
I wonder how long I’d be on hold if my call wasn’t important to them...
Why is it called stealing when your WIFI is trespassing in my house?
You`d be surprised at how many times I`ve gone home, when i hear someone tell me "Go hard or Go home".
A new study found that legalizing marijuana in Colorado has created more than 10,000 jobs...by keeping Taco Bell open 24 hours.
I`m always on the verge of running three miles, or drinking a bottle of Vodka
I`m no mathlete, but I CAN tell you that a 6 y/o running at 8 mph chasing an ice cream truck moving at 10 mph flies 7.4 ft if you trip him.
Do whatever you want, and if it`s something you`re going to regret in the morning, sleep late.
I`m starting to doubt that all of the people in this singing group are called Carol.
Elderly people used to always nudge me at weddings and say "You`re next."What got them to stop is when............I started doing the same thing to them at funerals.
There would be a lot less people willing to run for public office if the losers were required to pick up all the lawn signs afterwards.
Missing my childhood super-powers, when I could sleep on the couch and wake up in bed.