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It`s been a boring day today. Not exactly Nascar boring, but awfully close.
RIGHT NOW YOU HAVE: 3 fingers behind your phone, your pinky tucked under for support and your scrolling with your thumb! LIKE if I’m right
If you live by the sword, I guess that is pretty cool. I live by some trees and shit.
MAN LAW 101: No man should ever be required to buy a birthday present for another man.
When you consider names for your baby, it`s important to try out the middle name in an angry voice.
I`m watching a show about surviving in the wild in case I ever decide to log off and go outside.
I´m on a whisky diet. I´ve lost three days already!
Why are there never any good side effects. Just once, I’d like to read a medication bottle that says “May Cause Multiple Orgasms”
I was like "No, Pepsi is NOT ok. I wanted a Coke." And she was all "Sir, 911 should only be dialed for real emergencies."
The problem with diets is pizza.
Hope you get down and funky on this the day of your birth!!
Whoever invented grass must be a billionaire that stuff is everywhere
80% of my status updates are BS, 15% are bologna and 5% are 100% straight from the heart.
I have a tattoo of a gigantic bruise on my left ankle in case anyone ever asks me to go hiking. Or help them move.
You know how sometimes as you fall asleep your whole body jolts you awake? That`s a ghost finishing sex with you.