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Such a relief when things I`ve been meaning to do become things I meant to do but now it`s too late.
Why can`t I get service in my own home, but the god damn Taliban can upload videos from a cave in Afghanistan!?
I asked my girlfriend if she was ok with me buying her a ring. She said "nothing would make me happier!" So I got her nothing.
"I guess you`re right." - No one on the internet ever
This morning I woke up to a surprise BJ. Thats the last time I fall asleep on the train with my mouth open.
It doesn´t matter if the glass is half empty or half full. There is clearly room for more alcohol.
Gyms are full of people that haven`t found the right couch.
Women have a lot more experience dealing with bloodstains than men. Men are convicted of murder a lot more than women. Coincidence?
Sorry, everyone, it looks like my Facebook account was hacked by tequila last night...
I`ve officially reached the point in my life where the trash goes out on Friday nights way more often than I do.
What if the stickers are the only thing Made In China?
My head says go to the gym. My heart says food.
How many decades of knowing someone before it`s rude to ask what their name is?
I usually spend my Mondays texting apologies but I`ve had an alcohol free weekend now I have nothing to do.
You never really learn to swear until you learn to drive.