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Honesty is the best policy, unless you`re trying to return something that you`ve already worn.
Shopping tip: You can get shoes for a buck at bowling alleys.
I just ran 3.5 miles in 30 minutes! Ha! Just kidding, I ate some ice cream.
Are you free tonight, or will it cost me?
How come "you`re a peach" is a complement but "you`re bananas" is an insult? Why are we allowing fruit discrimination to tear society apart?
Pain makes you stronger. Tears make you braver. A broken heart makes you wiser. And alcohol makes you not remember any of that sh!t.
I quit my job at the helium factory today. I refuse to be spoken to in that tone of voice.
Iām late for a disappointment.
I`ve been holding my stomach in for 3 years now so don`t talk to me about dedication!
I seem to start my day backwards. I wake up tired and I go to bed wide awake.
I`m not a bitch, I just have a low bullsh!t tolerance.
How can I trust you when you keep running away every time I untie you?
Jokes on you hot chick at the bar who gave me a radio station`s phone number I just won Harlem Globetrotter tickets and a Bud Light poncho.
I`m 99% sure you think I`m weird. And I`m 100% sure I don`t care.
The best way to hang up on someone is to do it in the middle of your own sentence, that way they will just think you lost service.