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Some of the nicest women you`ll meet on Facebook are men.
I did 10 minutes of cardio this morning. I was still drunk from last night, and I was trying to tie my shoes but whatever.
If I owned an auto collision shop, I’d name it “Auto Correct.”
Doing the moonwalk is the only way to look cool while wiping dog crap off your shoes.
“I” before “E” especially after “P”. Mmmm pie
I can’t even imagine the self control required to work at a bubble wrap factory.
If anyone ever steals my identity, I hope they show it a good time. Take it skydiving. We`ve always wanted to go skydiving.
Have you ever been cutting a piece of pager with scissors and worried that you might cut an atom in half and destroy the world?
B!tch Please, your only fan is the one on your ceiling.
If I was a Chinese millionaire I would change my name to Cha Ching.
Constantly losing socks in the laundry but finding change. So logically there has to be a sock fairy.
When I say I can cook, I mean I can melt cheese on stuff.
I think the saying "every man for himself" was made up by women tired of making sandwiches.
United Airlines was just voted number one in Chinese takeout!
Stop undressing me with your eyes!...Use your teeth!