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Truthfully officer, I wouldn`t have pulled over, if I known all you were gonna do is complain about my driving.
My first career was working as a Ventriloquist on a Radio Program, I got let go when people kept calling in to say my lips were moving.........
therapy is expensive...vodka is not. need I say more....
If I had a dollar for every girl that told me I was unattractive, they’d eventually find me attractive.
This day needs more tomfoolery!
Sometimes I think my job is actually a hidden-camera game show where they see how much absurd bullsh!t I`ll put up with before I catch on.
Is there ever a day when mattresses are not on sale?
If I ask my dad to take a picture of me with my phone there is a 99% chance it will be a video of me yelling "It`s the button on the left!"
Time flies when you`re throwing watches.
My life is much more fun and interesting when I`m single... Problem is I can`t remember any of it.
I plan on leaving all my money to the campaign against illiteracy. ...They can`t read this right? lol
Some people are just pure evil...I should know because I`m one of them.
I just threw up my weekend.
I took the "Which 90`s Cartoon Are You?" quiz and got "You`re a fucking grown man. Stop it. Right now."
People with no money sure do have a lot of pot.