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I always get naked before I get in bed so I don`t know why this lady at Sears is giving me a dirty look in the mattress section.
Non alcoholic beer is like a porn movie on the radio
If it wasn’t for caffeine I wouldn’t be a functioning member of society.
Last night I went out drinking with some high school friends. About 2 hours into it they were like..."dude, shouldn`t you be hanging out with people your own age?"
LIKE if you talk to yourself and laugh because you’re just that hilarious.
I don`t always say I`m never drinking again, but when I do, I`m a f*cking liar.
Babies are so cute because none of them are mine.
If I drop my food on a plane, and we change time zones at the same time, do I receive an additional hour to the 5 second rule?
9 out of 10 times, if you call the 1-800 number printed on a consumer product, the person who answers won`t tell you what they`re wearing.
The key to my heart is shaped like a bottle opener.
A girl updated her facebook status saying: All men are dogs and I commented • Which breed is your dad?
I tried to be a Rap Singer once. Sadly my rap album, `I Respect the Police & the Risks They Take to Keep My Community Safe`, didn`t do too well on iTunes.
The world would be a cleaner place if we gave blind people brooms instead of canes...
:): The Bipolar smiley face
The Eskimo´s allegedly have 52 words for snow. I have several words for snow also!