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Word on the street is... Lol. Jk. I don`t go outside.
I once dated a meteorologist just so I could be with a woman who wasn`t right all the time.
Karaoke bars combine two of the worlds greatest evils—people who shouldn`t drink with people who shouldn`t sing.
I knew the Psychic was no good the moment she accepted my check
My next pet is going to be named "Peeve."
The human body has 7 trillion nerves and some people manage to get on every single f*cking one of them
My mother suggested that I get professional help... and that`s when I hired my first hooker.
I hate when the weather man says there is a chance of sprinkles in the forecast...makes me want donuts!!
It’s what people don’t know about each other that makes them such good friends.
Some days the only thought that stops me from being Dexter...is that I am WAY too pretty to go to prison
one day a man seen a fairy, and asked.... could you make me irresistible to all women.... so she turned him into a credit card. :`D
Don`t be upset that you`re single; be happy that someone isn`t ruining your life.
I`m sorry I said your head looks too small to power your body.
After I drink coffee I show my empty mug to the IT guy and tell him I`ve successfully installed Java. He hates me.
I party until the taxi with the pretty red and blue lights picks me up.