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"You know what, we need a huge spoon to take care of this" -Guy who invented shovels
Sometimes, numbers are the only thing you can truely count on.
that awkard moment when someone`s laugh is actually funnier than the joke
I just made 3 critical errors: 1. I woke up for work. 2. I went to work. 3. I arrived at work.
I feel like there’s something missing in my life and I don’t know if it’s a person, a dog, or just a pizza.
Yes I`m still bitter about my name not being mentioned in "Mambo No. 5"
No YouP*rn… I do not want to play poker, I’m at work for crying out loud.
Zombies and I have a lot in common; we both walk around aimlessly looking for something to eat.
I believe in helping the homeless. That`s why every year I buy a new refrigerator and throw away the box.
Diet Tip #63 : Banging your head against a wall uses 150 calories a hour.
If you people knew how expensive, time consuming and hard this stalking stuff is you wouldn`t freak out every time you see me in your bushes.....geesh
Understanding women number 476,395: Women like to talk about their feelings.
I can relate to Alice in Wonderland. She just keeps randomly eating and drinking with hope that it might magically solve her problems.
Do you smoke? Smokers: "Yes." Non-Smokers: "Never have, never will." Stoners: "Smoke what?"
"Sir your phone`s ringing." "Yeah, phones do that."