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Somehow I thought growing up would involve more than staring at my phone
Be the reason someone smiles today. Or the reason they drink. You choose your own adventure.
People reckon I´m too patronizing (that means I treat them as if they´re stupid).
My dog was licking his balls. My friend said "I wish I could do that." I said "You better pet him first; he can be mean sometimes."
A mate of mine recently admitted to being addicted to brake fluid. When i quized him on it, he reckoned he could stop aaaany time . . . .
Santa must be the bravest man around. Who else would let a bunch of deer pull them around in a sleigh during hunting season?
When I go running, I usually meet new people..... like paramedics.
I really need a day inbetween Saturday an Sunday
If I learned anything from my children, it`s that it is always OK to do something stupid, as long as someone DARED you to do it.
When fighting with a clown, always go for the juggler.
Since it started raining all my wife has done is look through the stupid window... If it gets any worse, I`ll have to let her in.
I see you`ve set aside this special time to humiliate yourself in public.
I’m drinking something. I`ll give you a hint: It starts with a B and rhymes with....um..... “beer.”
I had a bit of a lazy day sitting in my underwear looking for jobs online. My boss was furious.
I wish life had a “rewind-the-weekend” button.