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Never, ever ask a woman if she`s pregnant unless you see an actual baby being born. Even then, act surprised.
Just once...one time; can`t we buy a tree that doesn`t try to attack me when I come home drunk at 2am.
If I owned an auto collision shop, I’d name it “Auto Correct.”
Who`s further now, the Energizer Bunny or Voyager 1?
That awkward moment when you’re laughing so hard, you accidentally hit your head on something..
My "check engine" light came on while driving to work this morning. I looked and the engine is still there...silly light.
Let`s be honest, Dos Equis. After a bunch of ANY beer, what guy DOESN`T think he`s the most interesting man in the world?
The list of things I won’t eat if covered in chocolate gets smaller everyday.
There are so many things in life I still need to lick.
One day, we will look back on this, laugh nervously, and change the subject.
The problem in general terms is that people suck.
Just got a Cheerio stuck between my toes walking through the kitchen. Clearly my dog isn’t doing his part of the chores around here.
Having a pen!s is like having a friend that always wants to play.
Me: I`m gonna lose weight. Me: I`m gonna exercise every day. Me: I`m gonna go on a diet and stick to it. Me: Is that cake?
OK so i have an idea ............... wait why are you all running away?