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Attn Single people: If marriage was so great, there would be 6 people on the internet right now.
I feel so stupid for cashing in my retirement account early. But then I always feel stupid using the Coinstar machine.
If they really want to increase breast awareness, why not try a National Motorboat Day?
If you like to make love while listeninag to music, always choose live album. ..That way you`ll get an applause every 3 to 4 minutes. :)
I wonder if the Ziploc bag company secretly lobbies to keep marijuana illegal.
If it looks like a pig and walks like a pig, do me a favor & tell my ex girlfriend I said hello.
My New Years resolution is always don’t die. So far so good.
Sometimes I write "This is a hold up. I have a gun." in the memo of the checks I write for people and pray they cash them at the teller.
30 seconds left on the microwave ~ Women: set table, pour drinks, tweet, talk on the phone ~ Men: do the space shuttle countdown
Hell hath no fury like a woman who just said "seriously?" after a comment you made during an argument.
My Tupperware lids and single socks are chilling somewhere laughing at me.
No. My hair magically got shorter.
Congratulations on becoming a homeowner! From now on, every noise you hear will cost you money.
How easily you`re offended is directly proportional to how dumb you are.
I hope daylight savings time doesnt throw me off my schedule of doing nothing.