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"I`m on my way." -People who haven`t even left the house yet.
Just woke up next to my bed. Not sure if I fell out or didn`t quite make it in.
The only way a fidgey spinner would relieve my stress is if it was edible ...
I just peed so hard that I laughed a little.
On the highway, getting passed by a minivan is the football equivalent to getting tackled by the kicker.
I think I will start calling my wife "My Customer" since she is always right...
I´m on a whisky diet. I´ve lost three days already!
Me: *kisses her on both cheeks goodbye* Cashier: That`s really not necessary
I always try to behave but there are usually too many other options.
Magician: Now I will cut the woman in half. Me: Why turn one problem into two?
Mom in poetic mood ....Asked me to express emptiness .... I showed her my wallet ........ n m cheek still burns .... :-p :-p
I was asked what I would give the woman who has everything? Well...my phone number for a start
Me: I`m hungry. Fridge: I don`t give a sh*t. Cabinet: B*tch, don`t look at me. Freezer: Lol, you like ice? :-)
My imaginary friend thinks you have serious mental problems.
I can`t take this long distance relationship anymore.. Fridge, you`re coming to my room.