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Pro tip: when you have a drug test and they tell you to go to the bathroom in the cup, that means PEE. Always.
Non alcoholic beer is like a porn movie on the radio
Automatic doors make me feel like a Jedi
I really like it when women check me out, they seem to be able to work the register a lot better than men.
was on the treadmill for over an hour and I must say it is much easier with roller blades
If you don`t like me now, you won`t like me later because I just get worse.
To the woman with six screaming kids in Walmart, if you wonder how those condoms got in your cart, you’re welcome.
I`m undecided about which pants to wear today...Smarty of Fancy?
Today`s Horoscope: You`re gullible
I`m giving up procrastination for Lent ... starting tomorrow.
I`ve decided!! I’m giving up my New Years resolutions for Lent.
I will probably die as a result of being sarcastic to the wrong person at the wrong time.
Just heard a lady say "When in doubt, get a pizza"... I don`t know who this woman is but she`s my new life coach.
Sometimes I drive between lanes and pretend my car is Pacman gobbling up the dashed lines.
My scars tell a story. A story about a guy who`s really f*cking clumsy.