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Shhh...you had me at "alcohol may intensify effect..."
Next time you are sad remember you can make a cheeseburger with donuts as the bun. Still sad? Add Sprinkles
I may not be the smartest guy in the world, or the richest guy in the world, or the best-looking guy in the world, but,....Oh,hell. Now I`m depressed.
I gave my boyfriend a glue stick instead of a Chapstick last weekend, and he`s still not talking to me!
Please don`t post that political joke you just came up with. . . it really wasn`t that funny to begin with. Thanks for understanding. -the rest of us
We`re up to Fast n Furious #6. Shouldn`t they just create a weekly TV series?
I love how twix come with two bars so I can eat one now and the other immediately after
I`m leaving my body to science because even scientists need a good laugh now and then.
Touch my food and suffer the consequences.
Apparently “cheesecake & tacos” wasn’t the answer the interviewer was looking for when he asked me what my weaknesses are.
There’s nothing like having a long to-do list to make me feel like doing absolutely nothing.
“Dad, I’m hungry.” “Hi, Hungry. I’m Dad.” - Every time.
You think you love your family but suddenly there`s three of you and one remaining slice of pizza.
I`ll bet whoever said "keep your friends close and your enemies closer" had just farted
One night, as I as lying in bed, I looked up at the stars and thought to myself: "What the f#ck happened to the roof?"