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My daughter just explained to me that these dinner postings were not real invites. I have to apologize to all my friends out there for showing up last week.
I shouldn`t have to work. People should just pay me for being awesome.
I think for Halloween I am going to go as Karma. Some of you should be worried.
Sex, do it for the kids.
Ex Girlfriend: Omg! I had a dream about you last night!! Ex Boyfriend: Aww thats so sweet, what happend? Ex Girlfriend: U died :)
The problem with the general public is that it`s made of people.
I just found out the neighborhood is having a meeting about the creepy guy. ..Its weird that they forgot to invite me ..
As I slid my finger slowly down her G string, I thought to myself "this is a nice guitar"
The most dangerous drinking game is seeing how long I can go without coffee.
Serving size ?? LMAO
If you try to pronounce “lmao” you sound like a french cat.
I`ve spent three hours investigating this chicken and I still can`t find his nuggets.
I have no idea what swag is, but I`m fairly certain what I have is the opposite of whatever it is.
FUN FACT: If you take all of the marshmellows out of a box of Lucky Chrams, you`ll have a bag of Purina Cat Chow
The waitress asked if I was done with that, I said yes but I`m married to it.