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Me putting up with you is your Christmas present.
You say peeping tom. I say highly active member of the neighborhood watch.
Hell hath no fury like me when I’m slightly inconvenienced and hungry.
There’s nothing wrong with enjoying free samples at the grocery store. Just make sure they’re samples. And free. And it’s a grocery store.
I hope I die alone. I mean, you`d have to be a pretty big jerk to hope others die with you.
I`d say that 6:30 is the best clock time, hands down.
If you’re having second thoughts, you’re two ahead of most people.
I don`t understand fat homeless people. What are you eating? Broken hopes and dreams?
Lord, help me be the person my psychiatrist medicates me to be.
Dear McDonalds cashier, Don`t give me that look, there`s no age limit on a happy meal. Sincerely, don`t forget the toy b!tch.
I always put in a full eight hours at work. Spread out over the course of the week.
Facebook: Cause why drunk dial one person when you can drunk post the world?
The only thing more amusing than someone leaving a voicemail is them asking if you actually listened to it.
If you would`ve told me back in 1999 that we`d still be using animated gifs in 2015, I would`ve said "Wow, what a boring conversation"
Hey, car designers, you have kids, right? How is "limo window partition" between the front and back seat not an option yet?