Daily Silly Status

Jealously is something you’re good at when you suck at everything else.

I don’t understand how people have to “get ready for bed”…I’m always ready for bed.

People don`t want the ugly truth, they would prefer a beautiful lie.

Drive-Thru Workers: The longer you make me wait in line, the more change will be used for my payment...

Do you ever order a club sandwich just to feel like you`re a part of something?

I couldn’t believe it yesterday, when I came home and was told by my wife that my 5-year-old son wasn’t actually mine. She says that I need to pay more attention when picking him up from school…

Son: am I adopted? Me: not yet, but we`re hopeful.

I`ve just realised that I`ve got one of those cool body types that can eat whatever I want and get fat.

When the nurse calls my name at the doctor’s office, I like to run through the waiting room like I got called on The Price is Right.

The best nicknames are the ones people don’t know they have

What I lack in sex appeal I make up in staying home and drinking.

This could be the best day ever… but it isn’t. Again.

Thanks, autocorrect. I`m sure she`s dying to know about my huge peninsula.

Dear Optimist, Pessimist, and Realist. While you guys were arguing about the glass of water. I drank it. – The Opportunist

A sure cure for sea-sickness is to sit under a tree.