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My Christmas tree smells like pine, and is hanging from the shift lever in my car.
I don`t have the blood alcohol level to deal with you
If you don`t have anything nice to say I would probably enjoy spending time with you
Wanted: Magic hat for a snowman
Dear Noah, we could have sworn you said the arc wasn`t leaving until 5. Sincerely, unicorns.
Marriage, because sometimes ruining a person`s life takes serious commitment.
TV needs to stop putting up those stupid “viewer discretion” warnings. My mom is sick of me calling her for clearance.
My local hairdresser just got arrested for selling drugs. Unbelievable! I`ve been her customer for 10 years and had no clue she was a hairdresser!
You`d think that with as much time as women spend looking at their butt in the mirror they would be able to parallel park.
If I say sorry I missed you, better look really close the next time you cross the street, I don`t miss twice.
Sometimes entire relationships can only be described as “that weird thing I did for a while.”
My parents are visiting. So I pretty much know how much gas cost everywhere.
If guns don’t kill people, but people kill people, then doesn’t that mean that toasters don’t toast toast, but instead toast toasts toast?
I hate when I`m admiring my good looks from a car`s window reflection and the people inside think I`m staring at them.
They say you need to listen to what your body is telling you. But mine just points and laughs.