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When pornstars get up to speak in front of a large group, do they picture people with their clothes on?
Honestly, I`m so awesome that I wish I could meet myself and get my own autograph.
Always be yourself, unless you suck…and if you suck you should try being more like me.
I walked into SeaWorld with a fishing pole once. I gotta tell ya, those security guards can really run.
Brains are awesome! I wish everyone had one...
Find someone you`re good at.
I bought powdered water but I don`t know what to add to it.
Ladies and Gentleman, I`ve traveled a long way, crossed many bridges, fought my way through countless obstacles, all to bring you this one sad truth about life. There`s never enough beer.
I thought there was a spider on the rug, but it was just some yarn. It’s dead yarn now, though.
This drag race is not at all what I expected. Are they in dresses inside of the cars, at least?
If you pour two beers into one glass, it becomes just one beer.
Stay positive ladies, maybe he just didn’t hear you the first 100 times.
RIP to my hair dryer. It was the only thing to blow me for the last 10 years and never complain.
Some of you are like family to me. I don’t want you calling me either.
Holy sh!t Karma, how much longer till we`re all squared up?