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Alcohol: Because no great story ever started with someone eating salad.
What I do when I black out is none of my business.
It was awkward when she said, "And yet your feet are so big."
Practice safe text – use commas and never miss a period.
I just let my mind wander, but it didn’t come back yet.
People: What a bunch of bastards!
I`m scared of the pesticides on this produce, so I guess I`ll run them under cold water for half a second
When you wear cowboy clothes, are you ranch dressing?
My girlfriend said if this gets 100 thumbs up we`ll try anal. So please don`t vote, her strap on is huge and it really scares me.
So Apple is gonna buy Beats by Dr. Dre... I guess "an apple a day keeps the doctor away" doesn`t apply to technology?
I’m not saying I’m psychic, but I’m positive I will have no interest in what you’re about to say.
So apparently airport security doesn`t like it when you call shotgun before boarding a plane.
That tenth doctor is a selfish idiot, he never recommends anything!
These Jehovah`s Witnesses are getting creative. They are now knocking on my door dressed as cops saying they have a warrant.
You`re more inbred than sandwhich filler.